Oneliners 6

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates, 1981)
"A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices"
"All my hidden skills are undiscovered." - Clinton
"Are your cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"
"But honey, we need a 2 gig drive for word processing!"
"DOS=HIGH" Hmm, I knew it was on something...
"Good morning!" is an opinion, not a greeting.
"Graphic Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
"Ground Beef" -- A Cow With No Legs!
"Hex Dump" - Where Witches put used curses?
"I'd like all your $20 bills in this bag", "To go".
"Leave my blouse alone! I said Spellcheck, not Spillcheck"
"MEOW"...SPLAT..."RUFF"...SPLAT...(Raining cats & dogs)
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" - Freud
"Uh honey, a P5 with a 20" monitor is perfect for mail"
"WHO CARES where Carmen Sandiego is?"
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail, (G)rab_Hammer
*IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only."
......64..65...66...67...68...69... "STOP RIGHT THERE!"
...and I betcha she can say it in 10 different languages!
...I love children! They taste just like chicken.
...I multi-task, I read in the bathroom.
...So simple a child could do it? Go find me a child!
1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6.
10 days and 18 messages later, "Oh I understand now"
20 Dumb Blonds in freezer: Frosted flakes.
3 stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly.
50 states, and I had to pick one of confusion...
69, 714, 2112 : Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll!
74% of all statistics are made up on the spot
89.6% of all statistics are wrong.
A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
A bird in the hand is a big mistake.
A bird in the hand is better than one overhead!
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere
A field upgrade,HAL. We're going to make you IBM compatible.
A fool with a tool is a well-equipped fool
A girl a day keeps the wife away.
A good marriage outlasts the first box of dental floss.
A hundred years from now, none of us will give a damn.
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff
A low yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant.
A man's incomplete until married; then he's finished!
A narrow mind is usually accompanied by a wide mouth.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day...
A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.
A perfect woman is one that is inflated to 40psi.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
A too-short mini skirt leaves a definitive end in view.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife for ever.
A woman cries before the wedding, a man after.
Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.
Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.
Age and treachery can always overcome youth and skill.
AGGHHhhh, 4 AM Already!
ALL bikini clad women, proceed to move to California.
All women are automatically born with a shopping disorder
Always consider the alternative before making a choice.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
Am I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and don't care!
An idea is not responsible for fools who believe in it.
And on the seventh day, He took an aspirin.
Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug will become a feature.
Any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic.
Anyone who remembers the 60's...wasn't there.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Are you on an ego trip? You forgot your luggage.
As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily.
ASCII silly questions and you'll get some silly ANSI
Author of "Lead, follow, or get outta the way."
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
Bathroom scale: Something you stand on and swear at.
BBS Tip #45: ALT-H gives you sysop access!
Be kind to animals.....Take your Boss to lunch......
Behind every man, there's a woman with nothing to wear.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
Bush says "No new taxes!", Clinton says, "No, NEW taxes!"
But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!
Call me if you need my phone number!
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Captain we're at 1700 CPS. The UARTs canna take much more
Careful. I know Karate and a few other foreign words.
Cats are smarter than dogs. Eight cats won't pull a sled.
Chemists don't die, they just stop reacting!
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible
copy *.txt > brain
Credit card owner -- Member of the debt set
Criminal lawyer. Isn't that redundant?
Cross river *THEN* insult alligator.
Curiosity didn't kill the cat. I got 'im with the mower!
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Debrief: Wife listening while you talk in your sleep.
Dentist's famous last words: "You won't feel a thing..."
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diplomacy: Saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eye..
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Do witches use Spell-checkers?
Do ya really believe her when she says size don't matter?
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?
Does "PIRATE" software come with a treasure map?
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up!
Don't even TRY to THINK without proper tools.
Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.
Don't look now, but your file is unzipped.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Don't open the darkroom door; it lets all the dark out.
Don't overtax yourself; that's the Government's job.
Don't take life seriously...it isn't permanent.
Don't worry the next message will be better!
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
Elvis Stamps: Where will your mail be spotted next?
Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.
Error-Disk Full Error,Formatting Drive C: to make space
Every exit is an entrance into something else.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
Every valuable idea offends someone.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
Everyone is gifted. Some just open their packages sooner.
Everyone makes mistakes, if not we'd all be single!
Excuse me if I sound bitter....I taste that way too
Excuse me, while I change into something more formidable.
Expert: "ex"=a has-been. "spert"=a drip under pressure.
Explosion at sperm bank. Nurses overcome.
Features should be discovered, not documented!
First, they tax incomes; now they're taxing my patience.
Floppy Disk = Lower back trouble.
Fools and their money become popular quickly.
General Failure reading drive A: Please remove your fist
Get gun. Shoot computer. Turn off lights...
Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler.
Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.
Go ahead, correct my typos. I'll make more.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go EVERYwhere.
Got my Uzi, got some Scotch...let's go to Disneyland!
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer again...
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
Gun Control: Ability to hit what you aim at!
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
HA HAH HA HAH HAH ... oof ...
Have a cold? Let me introduce you to Doc Jack Kevorkian.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of woman scorned!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help! I've been possessed by a UNIX daemon!
Here, you go first, you're immune to bullets.
Hey Santa, can I have a copy of your naughty girls list?
Hey! Don't shoot that postal worker NO CARRIER
Hey, wake up! It's time for your sleeping pills.
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victors
Honesty pays, but not enough for some.
Hong Kong, Son of King Kong
Honk if you love obscene gestures.
Horn busted! Watch for finger...
Hot water Heaters: hot water needs heating?
How can you be so deaf with those huge ears?
How did I get round from eating square meals?
How do women get minks? Same way minks get minks
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I am correct, the rest of you are wrong!
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years experience
I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am the Shopping Cart that nicks at your paint-job.
I came, I saw, I confused.
I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell that can't
I can SPELL, I just can't TYPE worth a hoot !
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I don't have a solution but I really admire the problem.
I don't have all the answers, just those that count.
I don't own any slaves. My wife has one, though.
I gave up on my wife, and married my computer.
I got everything but the part after "Now listen closely".
I have a dirty mind, I mud wrestle with my conscience.
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better.
I have but three enemies: fear, anger, ignorance.
I have my wife on a 4 year lease with an option to buy.
I have seen the data...now bring me some I can agree with
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk
I idiot-proof my programs, & along comes a bigger idiot.
I just took an IQ test. The results were negative.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure
I love animals! But they all seem to taste like chicken.
I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt!
I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
I may have settled in shipping.
I may look busy, but I'm just confused!
I need a drink...where's the SPACE BAR?
I never get lost, just momentarily disoriented.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I think my learning curve has turned into a circle.
I think, therefore I am, I think
I thought I was a wit, and I was half right.
I tried to drown my sorrows, but they can swim.
I t˝ld yo˝, "Never˝touch ˝he flop˝y disk s˝rface!"
I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.
I was on a roll, till I slipped on the butter.
I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now
I was talking during sex and my girlfriend hung up.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
I'd love to, but I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I'd love to, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I'd love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band.
I'd love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but my uncle escaped again.
I'd love to, but the President said he might drop in.
I'll get to it on the 2nd Tuesday of next week.
I'll have what the gentleman on the floor is having.
I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar!
I'm Buy-sexual, I have to pay for it.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.
I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths.
I'm not dead, I'm metabolically challenged.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not spoiled...I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
I'm not worthless. I can always serve as a bad example.
I'm sorry Mrs. Bobbitt, you can't send that in the mail.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I've met zucchini with more potential.
I've seen condom vending machines, but this one installs.
if ( original_ver == OK ) don't_upgrade();
If (Wife = "yes") then (MONEY = "Gone") else Single
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If all goes well, you've overlooked something!
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong
If at first you don't succeed, call it Ver 1.0
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil . . .
If I save time, when do I get it back ?
If I throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter?
If I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you!
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy folks?
If it jams, force it....If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it screams, it's not food, yet....
If it works, rip it apart and find out why!
If it works, you must have done something wrong.
If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong.
If it's useless, it will have to be documented.
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!
If she can't take the heat, get her out of the oven!
If the thread ended in her jeans, should we follow it?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If things improve with age, I'm nearly MAGNIFICENT!
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If Version 1.0 works someone goofed...
If you can't laugh at yourself ... I'll do it for you.
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If you can't make it good, make it expensive.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you really want to know, you won't ask me.
If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
If you want her to show emotion, cut up her credit cards.
if you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.
If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a pole.
In an empty head, you can hear forever....
In zen skiing, you learn to become one with the snow.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Insanity is just a state of mind.
Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Invest in negotiable blondes...
It is always darkest just before you turn on the lights.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only 2 will fit!
It was so cold, I almost got married.
It wasn't my fault your wife wandered into my house!
It's 10:00pm. Do you know where your daughter is?
It's been a business doing pleasure with you...
It's not a BUG, it's an undocumented feature!
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
It's not worth it. I'm going back to bed.
It's tagline poker. Can you beat EIGHT aces...?
Its rarely fun, never easy, and always expensive!
Jesus saves....Passes to Moses....He shoots! HE SCORES!
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.
Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...
Just when you got it all figured out: An UPGRADE!
Just when you thought it was safe to go outside...
Kinky: Using A Feather. Sick: Using The Whole Chicken
Last night sex was so good the neighbors lit cigarettes.
Last words of Socrates: "I drank what?!?!"
Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Life is not fair...it IS, however, quite a circus.
Life is short, eat dessert first.
Live long and prosper... But don't let the IRS know.
Lots of people make sense, I want to make $$$
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
Love of money is the root of all politics.
Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes.
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.
Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.
Mail your ideas written on the back of a $20 bill to...
May your screen live long and phosphor.
Maybe they'll send you a free upgrade...NOT!
Me, indecisive? I don't think I am, do you?
Memories of you remind me of you.
Microwave Hint#3: Make a hole in the turtle's shell first
Minds, like parachutes, work best when open.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistress: something between a mister and a matteress
Money is like a promise, easier made then kept.
Money talks - mine says "Goodbye"
Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
My Body's here, but my Mind's on vacation.
My boss is tempermental. 50% temper and 50% mental.
My wife loves ME--it's the computer she hates!
Network management is like trying to herd cats...
Never fight with a bear in his own cave.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never insult 7 men when all you're packing is a 6-shooter
Never trust a person who says, "Trust Me"....
New religion? I haven't used up the old one, yet!
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
No Credit, Bad Credit? No Problem. No Money? Problem.
No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!!
Objects under T-Shirt are larger than they appear.
Of all the people I've met, you're certainly one of 'em.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!
Of course I have backup tapes! Do you want last years?
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
Please affix a 29-cent stamp on your next message.
Please save the above drivel for future reference!
Please type your Bank PIN number in your reply again.
Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often.
Politicians cut red tape....LENGTHWISE
Polls show that 9 out of 6 schizophrenics agree.
Pornography? I don't even have a pornograph!
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Procrastination Day Has Been Postponed!
Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.
Programmers don't get sniffles, they get a CODE.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out!
Public Restroom-The only place a flush beats a full house
Purranoia: the fear one's cats are up to something.
Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Resist everything but temptation.
Rudolph changed his nose to 500 watts. Blew a fuse.
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Santa uses 'The Club' in New York, a vest in Florida.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Scaldophobia: Fear the toilet will flush while showering.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing..
Send $20 and I will doubble your IQ or no money back
Send me a dollar and I'll send 3 cents to your charity.
Sharks don't eat lawyers. Professional courtesy.
She said she had nothing to wear. I smiled.
Shock me, say something intelligent!
Should we tell the children when we move?
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.
Some days you're the windshield, some days the bug.
Still sliding down the razor blade of life
Stipulation #1: There will be no stipulations
Stop talking! I'm out of aspirin!
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Sure I can help you out! Which way did you come in?
SWF, blonde bombshell, seeks man now. No SYSOPs.
System halted. There is NOTHING you can do.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Take no prisoners, we can't feed them.
The above opinion is worth 2 cents.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit you.
The check's in the mail... Trust me!
The earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
The girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print.
The man who dies with the most toys is dead..
The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
The Negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO !"
The only dumb question is one you haven't asked yet.
The tuna doesn't taste the same without the dolphin.
The wise open their minds, but a fool opens his mouth.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off properly.
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
Things working well, no problems. Time to upgrade.
This building is so high, the elevator shows movies.
This is your brain. Postscript on brain your is This.
Those with the weapons make the rules.
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Tip #9: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
To err is human, to forgive is against my policy
To err is human. To moo is bovine.
To every exception there is a rule.
To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.
To get the point, rub a porcupine backwards.
To hell with criticism. Praise is good enough for me.
To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet!
To test a man's character, give him power.
Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake.
Today is a good day to bribe a high--ranking official.
Today is cancelled due to lack of interest!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Took an hour to bury the cat. Silly thing kept moving...
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Unfortunately, Wife 1.0 is not upgradable
Unsolicited advice answers unasked questions
Unzip, expand, explode... What pervert came up with this?
Veni, vedi, VCR: I came, I saw, I dubbed.
Want to confuse people? Quote from the wrong message!
War never decides who is right, only who is left.
We are born crying, live complaining, die disappointed
We give nothing as willingly as our advice.
We have no solution, but we sure admire the problem.
We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
We're all sitting in the same boat: I fish, you row.
We're lost but we're making good time.
Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.
What are the instructions doing in the trash??
What are you looking down here for? Read the message.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is this tiny hole in the bathroom wall for?
What part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
What principles? I'm trying to get elected!
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
When a girl goes bad--men go right after her.
When all else fails, read the directions.
When all else fails, read the manual.
When all else fails, spend money!
When all else is lost, the future still remains.
When all is said and done, more is said then done.
When an Agnostic dies, does he go to the Great Perhaps?
When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.
When I want your advice, I'll beat it out of you
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
When your IQ hits 21, SELL!!
Who is General Failure, and *WHY* is he reading my disk?
Why can't women put the toilet seat back up?
Why do those that pay the least complain the most?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Wife to sleeping spouse: "Wake up! Who the hell is Tina!!?"
Windows speed tip: type DEL \WINDOWS\*.*
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless
Women prefer the simple things in life...MEN!
Women take to good hearted men. Also from.
Women were meant to be loved, not understood.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Women who wear mini-skirts sure are cheeky folk.
Women! Cant live with them, Cant live with them!
Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.
World Ends at 3pm; Film at 5 on WLKY Early News....
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
Would you like to have some pizza with that sausage?
You are an example of why some animals eat their young.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
You can go home now, I can finish this without you.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
You can pick your friends, but not your relatives.
You can send me to college, but you can't make me think.
You CAN trust the government...ask any Indian.
You can turn ANY conversation into one about sex!
You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.
You go to heaven...God sneezes... What do you say?
You have an important role as a negative example.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn
You have only a very small head and must live within it.
You have PMS and a Handgun? I'll go quietly.....
You have the right to remain silent.... USE IT!
You have to be sharp to be on the cutting edge.
You have two choices for dinner: Take it or Leave it.
You look like a million dollars. All in loose change.
You may use this opinion for a two week trial period.
You used to be indecisive. Now you're not sure.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be told about it tomorrow. Go home and prepare
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will never be younger then you are today..
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You're always seated by a crying child during long flights.
You're not losing more hair, you're gaining more scalp.
You're not old, You're chronologically disadvantaged
You're only young once. You're immature forever.
You're PC if you think a "chick" is a baby bird.
You've obviously been educated beyond your intelligence.
Your aims are high, and you are incapable of much.
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your boss is thinking about you.
Your ex just called....she's with the IRS now.
Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!




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