You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part III)

...the most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
...the oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
...the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
...the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
...the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
...there are more fish on your wall than pictures.
...there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
...there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!
...there is a gun rack on your bicycle.
...there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
...there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
...there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
...there's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
...warp drive describes the condition of your car.
...when the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
...when you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
...when you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
...when your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack. argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world. believe All-Star Wrestling! believe books are bad luck! bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. bring your dog to work with you. buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials). can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal. can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are. can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary. can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap. can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen. celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower. complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal. consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. consider pickled deer organs a delicacy. drive around a parking lot for fun. ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy. gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday. get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment. go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings. go to a tupperware party for a haircut. go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts. go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning". go to the post office to research your family tree. go to your local pet shop for a cat scan. got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece. hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. haul more than U-Haul. have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

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