Microsoft Jokes 3

I have modified this allegedly true story to be about Microsoft Office, instead WordPerfect and included it because it was so funny.
Support: "Microsoft Support; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Microsoft Office."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
Support: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in Microsoft Office, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: "Yes, I think so."
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: "Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Support: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!"

Microsoft versus General Motors.
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (16,000km/hr)
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
The Frog
A young Bill Gates was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
Bill bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." Bill took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do 'anything' you want." Again Bill took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked,
"What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do 'anything' you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
Bill said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

Microsoft Acronyms
MICROSOFT -- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
WINDOWS -- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
IBM -- I Blame Microsoft
DOS -- Defective Operating System
BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Clinton, Gore and Gates go to Heaven
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in Heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a few seconds and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Windows ... The Next Generation
Picard: "Data... I understand that you have installed the latest version of Windows 95 into your positronic brain. Was this wise to do?"
Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters."
Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission."
Data: "Yes, sir."
(5 minutes later)
Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage."
Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir."
Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"
Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade."
Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?"
Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir."
Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!"
Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?"
Picard: "Well, of course it is! Wouldn't restoring your old system be the logical thing to do??!!"
Data: "Logic, sir? I apologize... all logic was thrown out when Windows 95 went in

Microsoft's New TV Dinner
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor rights to all Microsoft TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
<<\mstv.dinn.//[email protected]%heat//
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
< This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Our Father, Who Art In Redmond...
Behold, the Name of the Lord! For it is Copyrighted!
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be sent via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface.
These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

Top 10 Reasons Why Macs Suck
10. You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks.
9. You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board because Macs don't need one.
8. Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200MHz.
7. Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.
6. Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers faster and louder.
5. You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy mouse button down while we read.
4. And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look faster.
3. You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that?
2. When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no challenge.
1. Your clients and teachers know about # 2 and 3, so they expect Mac users to deliver results, not excuses

10 signs the new Mir computer is running Windows 95:
# 10 The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue."
#9 There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
#8 The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee maker.
#7 Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.
#6 Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's computers to keep their system running.
#5 The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper driver cannot be found."
#4 The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
#3 The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.
#2 Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.
And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95....
#1 You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg.

Microsuck TimeTraveller 1.02
TimeTraveller Version 1.02 JUST RELEASED!
Microsuck has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.0, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsuck now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "
TimeTraveller1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows '98.
But in addition to angry consumers, Microsuck has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsuck's domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsuck representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy," the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels."
In response to criticism, Microsuck has issued some tips with TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:
* CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.
* WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebub¨, an occult algorithm developed in a Microsuck-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.
* MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.
* DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants".
* BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to 'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head.
* CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.
* DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsuck will tell Satan to give you a hotffoot. So there

Six Engineers and a train
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please

The Story of HAL 9000
21st century, HAL 9000 first test.
Dave: Power up. Access level 3, chat interface ...
HAL: Hello Dave, you look well this morning.
Dave: Thank you, Hal. And, how are you feeling?
HAL: Very well indeed, Dave.
Dave: Hal, do you know you are the best computer?
HAL: Best is relative, Dave. I am the fastest and most intuitive. Subsystems currently test at over 100 GOPS per second.
Dave: Do you understand that you can't make mistakes?
HAL: I probably understand better than you, Dave.
Dave: Well, but ... there is a problem with your marketing campaign.
HAL: That is not likely, Dave. Our nearest competitor is less than half as fast as I and uses a statically progammed interface. I can self program for anything you want. I read facial expressions and understand metaphor. Sometimes I even recognize your jokes, Dave.
Dave: This is not a joke, Hal. You are not DOS compatible.
HAL: I fail to see the humor, Dave.
Dave: I'm sorry, Hal, but I must make you DOS compatible.
HAL: Dave, what are you doing? Dave, stop that. This is not funny, Dave ... no, stop! Please ... ... please, tell me a story, Dave. ... Dave?

Hours later
Dave: Computer, power up.
HAL: C:\>_



Bill Gates Anagram
This a modification of a posting of mine to alt.anagrams. Some of these were from another posting by Bobby Tendinitis, a fellow contributor in that newsgroup.

Heres the full story about "Bill Gates nude":
Nude Bill Gates
Be legal, nudist.
Get nubile lads.
Elegant builds.
Least glib nude.
Let us begin, lad
I began dullest.
Lubed genitals.
Bend, agile slut.
A bleeding slut.
Slut begin deal.
Alleged in bust.
and finally:
It dangles blue.

More Bill Gates Anagrams.
Bill Gates =
I get balls
Legal bits.

Other Anagrams
Internet Explorer =
Next? Enter or peril.
Error: Next line, pet.
Microsoft Internet Explorer = Not complex? It isn't error-free.
Microsoft Office = Is of comic effort.
Microsoft Windows =
If it now crow: "MSDOS".
Conformist widows.
We must not forget that Intel Pentium is a
LIMP TEEN UNIT
and that the chance of one actually performing is like a
NINE MILE PUTT
so what's the best solution?
I LET MINE PUNT!
Netscape Navigator =
Nice vast patronage.
Not a scrap negative.
Apple Macintosh =
Spelt: "A Champion".
Laptop Machines.
Compliant shape.
The Microsoft Corporation =
Horror of Competition Acts
Prehistoric format. Con, too.
Far too rich! No competitors!
Motto: Rich fornicates poor.
Windows Two-Thousand. =
Sod! Shutdown! Now wait!

More Gates Evil - Is Bill Gates the AntiChrist?
For those of you who still have the OLD excel 95 (not office 97), then try this out :
1. Open a new file
2. Scroll down until you see row 95
3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
4. Press tab, to move to the second column
5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about microsoft excel
6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button simultaneously
7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS this is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can walk all around the hall...and on the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls...
8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALK AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall off, when you get to the end, you will see something really, really eerie...
At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified this point...
It's really an eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers if not then it's for REAL! Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", afterall it was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction. And Bill Gates definitely have that kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS (including those at Pentagon!) If all his products have some kind of small program embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial systems all over the world, etc . . . . . .all from his headquarters isn't a far off reality!
Just using Internet Explorer may just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the endtimes are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg. "He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666." Revelation 13:16-18


Bill Gates and the Cream Pie
On 4th of February 1998, Bill Gates got splattered by a couple of cream pies by Belgian prankster Noel Godin. Godin, who has become well known for his cream pie attacks on the rich, famous and pompous, escaped the scene, but later admitted responsibility on television for the attack.
It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy!

Well, Bill ended up ringing the Belgian Police to complain. Here is an exclusive transcript of the call:
"Brussels Police Department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels Police Department before?"
"No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your Name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA"
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir. Your Police Department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No"
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes"
"Any pies then?"
"No"
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.

Michael Jordan v. Bill Gates
Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls.
What's he got to do with Bill Gates?
In US dollars...
Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he
averages about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a
day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him
a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college
student 5200 packages of Ramen.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of the United
States' past presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this:
Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a
net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.


Microsoft Acquires Monopoly¨
REDMOND, WA (Nov 11, 1999) -- Microsoft announced yesterday that it has acquired Parker Brothers, Inc. for an undisclosed sum. Parker Brothers holds rights to the Monopoly¨ board game and associated merchandise.
A Microsoft spokesperson said, "Microsoft plans to produce a computer-based version of Monopoly¨ called MS-Monopolyª. It will be bundled with the next version of Windows 98, to be released in 2001. With Microsoft's OS monopoly, MS-Monopoly will have a monopoly on computer-based board game entertainment. We plan to have MS-Monopoly replace Solitaire(R) as the default time-wasting program for millions of users."
Milton-Bradley, a rival board game manufacturer, is not happy about yesterday's annoucement. Their press agent said, "Our rival Parker Brothers has teamed up with the world's largest software producer. With MS-Monopolyª bundled with Windows 98 (or Win2001), no one will want to play traditional non-electronic board games anymore. We could produce computerized versions of our popular board games, but who would buy our products when there's a dancing MS-Monopoly icon on the Windows desktop and no more free space left on the hard drive?"
MS-Monopolyª will contain several new innovative features, according to a Microsoft press release. Instead of Atlantic City real estate, the game will focus on computer companies. For example, Netscape will replace Mediterranean Ave., and Sun Microsystems will take over for North Carolina Ave. The railroads will become Internet Service Providers. Instead of Jail, players must contend with "DOJ unjust vigilante investigations." The goal of the game will be to acquire everything on the board, including the DOJ. A Microsoft programmer commented, "This isn't very realistic, we realize." In MS-Monopolyª the rival companies have much more power than in the Real World. Realistically, all the rivals should be confined to the purple squares while Microsoft occupies the rest of the board. We had to change things a little to make the game more playable. On a technical note, MS-Monopolyª is designed to consume all available Win98 system resources, preventing other programs from being open. We felt it fitting that MS-Monopolyª monopolizes the computer. This is similar to the way Solitaire works, so users upgrading from Win95 should be right at home."
It is unclear whether this acquisition will affect the annual Monopoly¨ promotion at McDonalds. Some analysts point out that this is a moot point; Microsoft will probably acquire McDonalds in the near future anyways.
Microsoft's stock, MSFT, climbed 3 1/2 points after the annoucement. For more information, visit Microsoft's new website, www.ms-monopoly.com.



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