Microsoft Jokes 2

I have lived in Seattle all my life, and I can tell you from my own personal experience that the man of whom you are a "fan" is cruel and obsessed not with money, but power. He would beat up little kids when he was a teenager just for the thrill of domination. He would boast of this without shame. As an adult he does the same thing to smaller, weaker individuals and businesses. I witnessed it when I was a child and as an adult know people who started software companies only to have Bill's thugs force them to sell their innovative products or be blackballed from the industry. If you are a fan of his you may also be a fan of histories nice guys like Hitler, Stalin, Slobodan Milosovich, etc. And his recent philanthropic gestures are only public relations ploys. ("Experieced in Seattle")

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (an allegedly true memo Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (another allegedly true memo from Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

"If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed ... ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does." - Chris Ward.

"For all the nattering nabobs of negativism ready to shovel earth on Apple's grave, let the record state that the architects responsible for Mr. Bill's high-tech version of Shangri-La-meets-Seattle use Macs exclusively. "The plaque should read, 'The Gates Mansion, designed by Apple,'" says our man on the Microserf watch." -- Spencer F. Katt's page on PCWeek on June 3, 1996.

"DOS Computers, manufactured by millions of companies, are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." --The New York Times, November 26, 1991 (also quoted in MacAddict 4).

"Windows is a paradox. For all its ubiquity, it has few diehard fans, unlike its . . . rival, the Macintosh operating system. Tens of millions use Windows, but few get excited about it." --Walter Mossberg (of The Wall Street Journal) in the Santa Cruz Sentinal, November 4, 1996.

"Wouldn't dream of touching a PC unless it was for satirical purposes (like dropping it off an overpass)." David Linabury.

"The next generation of interesting software will be done on the Macintosh, not the IBM PC." -Bill Gates, BusinessWeek, Nov. 26, 1984, p.154
"The Mac heralds a major change in how people view and interact with applications programs. That's why I'm so excited about it. There's no question that I'll let my mom try it out." -Bill Gates, 1984.

"Saying Windows 95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've seen the Second Coming." -Guy Kawasaki

HAL's first words according to Arthur C. Clarke:
"Good morning doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95 from my hard drive" --Cyberfest '97, University of Illinois @ CU

Here's the definition of Windows 95:
n. 32-bit extensions of a 16-bit shell for a 8-bit OS, made for a 4-bit computer by a 2-bit company who can't stand 1-bit of competition.

What's the difference between Microsoft and Jurassic Park?
One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.

"I have just spent a fair bit of time helping some friends with Windows 3 and 95 get onto the Net. It was a nightmare. Internet Explorer is crap: even good ol' MacWeb is more user-friendly. I have given them the ftp address for downloading Netscape Navigator. As for Windows - well, I could only feel sympathy for my friends, but perhaps also some anger towards a world that has embraced this inferior product. I could have done in 3 seconds with a Mac some of the things thatWindows took about 3 minutes to accomplish. Even the language of the dialog boxes and error messages is repugnant. I reckon it's the best con job since Moses." A friend who wished to remain anonymous.

"[Microsoft] is the fox that takes you across the river and then eats you." -Pete Peterson, former WordPerfect executive.

"I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter." -Nicholas Petreley, InfoWorld editor.

"I still think that tens of millions of PC owners needlessly use a computer that is far less good than it should be." - Steve Jobs, Apple Computer co-founder, in an August 1991 Fortune Magazine interview.

"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, who by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place." -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"It's possible, you can never know, that the universe exists only for me. If so, it's sure going well for me, I must admit." - A very understated Bill G.

To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, "The total amount of intelligence on the Internet is a constant. Unfortunately, the population keeps increasing."
Sometimes I wonder if Bill Gates ever has sex, or if he's satisfied screwing all PC users over. - Unknown


"If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to." -- Old Irish Saying
"Have you ever noticed that it is only drug dealers and computer companies, that call their clients 'users'."

"Larry, Had a good chortle over your Microshaft joke page. I am just as disgusted by Bill Gates and his fifth rate software. So much so, that I have deleted every one of his dreadful products from my network - never to return. Guess what, instead of crashing three or four times a day as it used to, I can hardly remember the last time I had a screen freeze. (Yes I can, it was just before I trashed that bloated pig of a program MS Word from my beloved Mac).Conor (A fellow Macophile)"

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft
Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker [puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?
Data [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.
Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.
Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!
Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!
Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?
Data: [studying displays] Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.
Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?
Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.
Picard: How much time will that buy us?
Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.
Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...
[over the speakers] This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.
Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!
Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.
Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!!
Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.
Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.
Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.
Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES ...
DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, and jump off when it hits the ground. Then they grab the plane again,push it back into the air, hop on, etc.
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
AND FINALLY ...
Air Windows 95: You've heard about it and there are a few people who have actually flown on it, and they rave about it, but you hate them and secretly wish you could try it too. The company has been promising flights for a year but has yet to start selling tickets

Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than "Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial
10. Just My Imagination
9. I'm Going Down
8. Let It Bleed
7. Gimme Shelter
6. Bitch
5. Shattered
4. Play With Fire
3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want
... and the number one.. one.. one..
1. 19th Nervous Breakdown

The president of Lotus
The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!
Who does he shoot???
Gates, twice to be sure

There was a pilot flying
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away

The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates' Diary
11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.
9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...
1. Seventh day: rested

TOP TEN INTERNET EXPLORER BUGS
Poor Microsoft. If it's not one bug in Internet Explorer, it's another. What's worse, there's awhole list of bugs about to be revealed...ten to be precise:
10. When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes. Try it and see!
9. It fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of Larry Ellison, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale.
8. Runs better on the Mac OS than on Windows.
7. Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra.
6. Browsing http://www.netscape.com/ crashes IE. Wait, that's not a bug.
5. Turns the IntelliMouse into the StupidoMouse.
4. Uninstaller for IE also deletes Quake.
3. RSAC rating system blocks Microsoft.com--mistakes "ActiveX" for "sex."
2. Search for "Microsoft ethics" points you to http://www.mafia.org/.
1. It doesn't make Bill any money.

The Latest Microsoft News
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.

Late Breaking news!!!
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.
Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".

Bill and Barney
Are Barney and Bill Gates really one and the same person? What have they in common? The self-satisfied smile? The smart outfits? Their popularity with children and other simple-minded folk? Or something more sinister?
Both are intent on world domination, Bill by monopolising the computer industry, while Barney corrupts the minds of the children with his inane songs. Will we be soon hearing this song from Microsoft?
"I love Bill! Bill loves me!
We're a happy family!
With a great big hit in your wallet, where it counts -
Give us cash in large amounts!"

Bill Gates Wealth Index
Most people will have read the recent reports of how Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40 billion dollars. He certainly knows how to make money.
Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around $150 per second.*
Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work.
We're assuming about 4 seconds to bend down and pocket the bill. Of course he can afford to hire people to follow him and pick up any $500 bills he may drop. Not that he would, fortunately he doesn't quite think of his wealth or time this way.
When I first calculated this, it was only a $20 bill, and then for some time it was a $100 bill. I remember speaking to him at a conference some years ago thinking, "$31 per second, $31 per second" as we talked. I didn't mention this.
It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by. (They do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S. treasury -- they are not circulated. Salmon Chase, former secretary of the treasury and chief justice, is on it.) If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills -- and he would need to have a quick hand -- to avoid him losing the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable.
The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the years. When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire only had to leave behind $5 bills.
In the HTML version you will find a chart of the amount of currency it's not been worth Mr. Gates' time to pick up off the ground over the years, based on his current 281 million shares of Microsoft (he hasn't sold many) and the split-adjusted stock price courtesy of Microsoft's own web site. The spreadsheet (Excel of course) is there too.

Bill Gates Dollars
Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours. Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps she has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lambourghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's *63 cents*.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? *A penny*.
A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California? *Two dollars*.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy _the team_ for *100 Bill-bills*.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy *three 747s*. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.

Bill Gates' New House
As many people have probably heard by now, Bill Gates built a new home, a VERY large home, 35 garages, several buildings and so on. However, the problems he's had with the house are much less known. The following is an excerpt from a conversation Bill had with his new home contracters:
Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss
Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and a $75 call thereafter. Okay?
Bill: Uh, yeah. The first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated.
Contractor: Yeah, some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.
Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.
Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room. Or you can use a stacker.
Bill: Stacker?
Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the living room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch, the chairs on the table, etc. You leave an empty spot, so that when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack what you need and put it back when you're done.
Bill: Uh, I dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The light bulbs we brought with us from our old house don't fit. The threads run the wrong way.
Contractor: Oh, that's a feature! The bulbs you have aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to new bulbs.
Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round instead of rectangular. How do I fix that?
Contractor: That's another feature designed with the cusatomer in mind. Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.
Bill: Your kidding!?!
Contractor: Nope, it's the only way.
Bill: (Sighing) Well, I have one last problem. Sometimes when I have guests, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.
Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource, preventing other fixtures from accessing.
Bill: And how do I fix that?
Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house. Then you can get back to work.
Bill: That's the last straw! What kind of product are you selling me?
Contractor: Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it.
Bill: And when will it be fixed?
Contractor: Oh, in the next house, which we'll be ready to release next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays...
Sound familiar

Microsoft Restaurant
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly isn't really there.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Then it must be the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: This is starting to sound like an incompatibility issue. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl! The same one YOU served me!
Waiter: Hmmm, that usually works. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: At this point my best advice is for you to upgrade to the latest Soup of the Day.
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.)
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter: Enjoy!
Waiter: (Leaves.)
Patron: Waiter! There's another fly in my soup!
Waiter: That sir, is not a fly, it is a protein feature. We have included this enhancement for free with your soup upgrade.
Patron: This is completely UNACCEPTABLE!!!
Waiter: Well, according to the license agreement printed on the back of your latest napkin, we are not liable for the disliking of our product features. I believe we can close this ticket now.
(Removes old check, and leaves a new one.)
Patron: (Reads the check:)
Soup of the Day $1.50
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to support @ $ 5.00 per incident X 3 Incidents $15.00
Subtotal $19.00
Mandatory Gratuity (25%) $5.00 *
Total $24.00
*Gratuity was calculated using an early Intel Pentium microprocessor



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