Microsoft Jokes 1

Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Okay, Windows does that
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature
So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Microsoft Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
A2: None. They wait one week and then they make darkness as a standard.
A3: None, Bill Gates just calls a meeting and changes the standard to darkness.
A4: None, its a hardware problem.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket.

MS-Employee goes to Heaven
A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.
He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright."Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."
St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas..."
Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."
St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ...".

Microsoft Car problems
3 persons had a drive in a car: mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.
Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be change gear. Lemme fix it."
The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I will fix it."
Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, get back into it, and it might be running!"

When Bill Gates Meets St Peter
Bill Gates dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates (no pun intended). St Peter gives him a choice of Heaven or Hell and gives him a chance to check out each.
Bill walks up to Heaven; lots of clouds and hymns - all a bit boring. He then pops down to check out Hell; it looks great - bikini-clad girls running around a beach playing volleyball. Bill tells St Peter that he will choose Hell.
A few weeks later, St Peter drops in to see how Bill is going in Hell. Bill is in a terrible state - third degree burns to his back, jabmarks on his butt, his hair all burnt off.
He wails to St Peter, "you conned me; where are all the girls, the beach and the volleyball?"
St Peter replies "Oh, that was just the demo version".

The Worlds Smartest Man
One night, a Delta twin-engine plane was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Bill Gates and Devine Brown
After the Hugh Grant/Devine Brown incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"
Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".
So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.
In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Divine'".
She answered "Thank you, and now I know why you call your company Microsoft."

TOP 11 THINGS PEOPLE THINK THE 95 IN WINDOWS 95 REALLY STANDS FOR
11. The percentage of the program that actually works.
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required
7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS
5. The number of minutes to install
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
2. MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was DUE to ship.

Microsoft and the Auto Industry...
23. Trucking companies would be forced to skip their solid Mack trucks, and instead use huge fleets of fancy sports cars with small trailers. These would break down ever so often, but not all of them at once. The maintenance costs would be high, but mechanics have to live too.
22. If another car manufacturer designed a car that would do 100 MpG on non-polluting fuel, seat 4 with ample luggage space, need a service every 5 years, and be made of non-corrosive recyclable material, Microsoft Cars would buy it and close it immediately after.
20. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
19. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
18. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
17. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
16. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
13. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.
12. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
11. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
3a. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, even skipping their old reliable cars with many future miles in them. Forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years, and sometimes exists as standard in the cars they just scrapped.

Evil Microsoft Icons
This is an IMPORTANT NOTE for parents, teachers, and all RIGHT-THINKING people in the world. Our research at the Parent's Internet Resource Center has uncovered one of the most heinous, evil secrets of the computer industry, unknown to all but a few UNTIL NOW.
The icons for MICROSOFT WORD and MICROSOFT EXCEL contain hidden messages of a truly evil nature. The 1-bit, 32x32 pixel icon for WORD, for example, when translated from binary into ASCII, contains the string "BILL GATES is the DEVIL. Worship Bill. Bill is our leader. Bill is evil." The EXCEL icon contains a similar string.
The icon templates for higher bit depths are even more insidious. If one reverses the data for the 8-bit 32x32 pixel icon for MICROSOFT WORD, and then attempts to play it with a Sun ULAW-format sound player at a 2-bit depth, one hears what appears to be the voice of Bill Gates himself saying "I am evil incarnate; worship me. You must follow me."
On the Windows side, the situation is even more heinous. If the data describing every possible icon for MICROSOFT WORD is combined, it forms a complete Windows screen saver module which, when run, bounces a pentagram around the screen.
Clearly, this evil activity must be stopped. To contribute to the cause of the PIRC, please send your check to:
Parent's Internet Resource Center.

More Gates Evil
The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where ``III'' means the order of third (obviously).
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his III or adding 3, you get the following:
B I L L G A T E S (III)
66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3 = 666
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Orjust the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement? You decide!
(The numbers are obtained by translating each character (letter, number, space, etc.) into its corresponding ASCII value.) It looks like well-known OS's fall into the same category:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!#

And God spake thus
God tells a priest that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. The priest tells his parishioners he has good news and bad news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world and you are all doomed.
God then tells a rabbi that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. The rabbi tells his congregation he has good news and bad news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world and you are all doomed.
God then tells the last of the three, Bill Gates, that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. Gates tells his employees he has good news and very good news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The very good news is, you don't have to worry about fixing Windows 95.

THE CREATION BY COMPUTER (MS DOS Version)
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:\>Let there be light]
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light]
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
>Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created
Macintosh
END

Top 5 Reasons Bill Gates bought into Apple
1. NT machine on his desk keeps crashing - needs a Mac to run Eudora.
2. Decided the public is too stupid to have the "low level" power of a floppy eject button.
3. The world is running out of things he doesn't own.
4. Wanted to see what it's like to have software that is tested and debugged.
5. Now that he owns Apple stock he is "just like my hero," Forrest Gump.

Bill Gates goes to Heaven
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill."
Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise.
"It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.
"Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill.
Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.
"Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ... Macintoshes ... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight!
Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then....
.... GO TO HELL!"

A couple marry.
The husband takes the bride upstairs, and they get ready to, umm, have fun. So the bride says "Please, be gentle, this is my first time." So the husband says, "How can it be ? I know you had THREE husbands!"
The bride replies, "Well, that's true. But the first one was really old, and he died on the dance floor. The second had a heart problem, and he got a heart attack while carrying me upstairs. The third was a Microsoft engineer, and he used to sit beside the bed, and tell me how good it's gonna be..."

Microsoft Internet Explorer and Marijuana
1. You get both for free at first, but once you get hooked they raise the price.
2. Both will screw up your life eventually.
3. Microsoft and the drug dealer know that you'll come back for more.
4. Drug use and Internet Explorer use have dramatically increased in the last few months.
5. Both crash your system sometimes.
6. Both marijuana and Internet Explorer are advertised on TV.
7. Both drug dealers and Microsoft want you to redistribute their products to others.

Baby Gates
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 pm.
And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At frist release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

Top ten excuses issued by Microsoft
for all the problems and complaints consumers have for Windows 95
10. We wanted to show IBM what we felt about OS/2.
9. It is after all called Windows 95 -- 95% completed and tested.
8. That's nothing, wait until Windows NT 4.0 comes out.
7. It was the perfect complement for all those multimedia gadgets that don't work properly under Windows 3.1.
6. We wanted to make a product that complemented the first Pentium chips. (Remember the floating point divide error incident.)
5. Let's see you try to rush a complicated product to the market in less than a year.
4. It must be your hardware, our products don't contain bugs. (Yeah right -- a typical Technical Support response)
3. It's not our fault. People don't read the directions. (another Technical Support response)
2. We'd like to see Apple Computer and IBM copy our features. (and then Bill Gates will sue them if they do.)
and the number one excuse provided by Microsoft:
1. We're Microsoft and we don't care.



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