Lightbulb Jokes 6How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he's gotta cross-post it all over the goddam place.
How many USENET users does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
1. Six. One to point out the spelling (you illiterate idiot!), one to
flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!, one to flame the flamer,
one to ask to be removed from the news group, one to ask for a
copy of the last message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the
2. Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs
is quite active, though - BRIAN.
How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a light
50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in
a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally
she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few
minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs,
which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really
bright, long-lasting bulbs.
How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a light bulb ?
31. One to change the light bulb and thirty to flame them for picking
the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will
want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) not
How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come
running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them
in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the
screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice
the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over
again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up
2. 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again
and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again
and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames
them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.
3. 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the
first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one,
29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is
deliberately different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave
the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that
this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that
the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first
time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke) to climb all
over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
4. An infinitely growing number : - One to announce that the bulb
burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying
"I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it
nowadays", one to post in saying "Our news software hasn't been
working and I missed the original light bulb joke. Would someone
please post it again or email it to me?", one to post in quoting
everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a
cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting
monster, one to post in with "I don't get it. Isn't this the place
for FUNNY jokes?", one to post in after two months "What's this
light bulb joke you're all talking about?", one to repost it a
month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get
it. What's the punchline?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of
these? I'm starting a list, so please send me all your light bulb
jokes", and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6
months later prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here?"
and accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many
programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three to ask, a
month later, "What FTP sites are the old light bulbs archived
at?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic
intervals of two to six months.
How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light
Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes
about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's
really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then to realise that the
speed of light can't be measured, except in badgers, or possibly
multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to
find the lyrics for the hedgehog song...
How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR
How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let someone else change it, then they point out all
the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because The KILLOR killed him!
(Note : The last 3 all refer to personalities in the rec.humor group.)
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Who knows, but aol is gonna charge him up the a** to find out how
many ways other people do it.
2. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make
sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
3. Eight. One screws in the light bulb, but seven more do too, due to
a software bug.
4. Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb gif mailing list, nine
to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the
intructions on how to view a light bulb.
Note: If you don't beleive me, see the
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex newsgroups and you
will see threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s long consisting of all
AOL'ers requesting to be put on non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing
lists. Internet folklore tells us that all the gits are on AOL.
The software they're using is only partly to blame.
How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the
list, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes,
but they have herbal remedies for it nowadays", one to post "And
homeopathic ones too, I read somewhere", one to post in saying he
accidentally deleted the original light bulb joke and could someone
please post it again or email it to him, one to post in quoting
everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a
cascade, one to post "What's this light bulb joke you're all talking
about then?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind of food",
one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe for one then?", one
to post in requesting Michael Traub look up and tell us all its B12
content, one to post "Will it help cure my auntie's arthritis?", one
to assert that it probably won't, but its effectiveness at this might
well be increased by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation,
two to condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether light
bulbs are totally vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one assert that
they are and add "I like light bulbs. They're low in fat, and stay
crunchy in soya milk too !", one to announce that she's leaving the
list unless the discussion gets a bit more meaningful, three to post
in reassuring her that eventually it will, Lissa Mosley to post that
the list moderators feel they must respectfully request that the
discussion be moved to private email as it has been going on far too
long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all this got to do
with ethical veg*nism anyway?" and suggest the discussion be moved to
alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post in quoting this suggestion and
add "What's that?". So the discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid
vegan-l subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and
alt.fan.lightbulbs finds itself taking a few days off from the "My
incredible light" and "Light Bulb death" discussions and come up with
some new jokes...
How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a light bulb?
Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on
her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the
hardware store to get a new light bulb. Suddenly the door opened and
there he stood, silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway.
She could see the bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any light
bulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he
started unzipping his pants...
How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and post
something about how light bulbs are so masculine to the group, two to
post in disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to post "Bog off stumpy!",
a whole terminal room in Keele to sit there discussing it only among
themselves, one to post a coherent critique of Susan Macran's last
post, Kate Smith to complain that the women always get flamed more
than the men, Menya to say that light bulbs are sexy as long as
they're orange and could someone bring her a nice hot one, and two
people to post in suggesting a boink so they can all get together and
change the light bulb, with real friendship and good lighting not
relationships uppermost in their minds. During all this time, not one
person dares risk losing points by posting a personals ad.
How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a light bulb
1. None. Torches are more traditional.
2. 23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their family
tradition regarding light bulbs is more justified and ancient than
How many IRC chatters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other
off that noone ever has enough time to get anything done !
How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1. 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many
programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a
2. 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it
hasn't been done already!
How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted
to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will
have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence
(assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a
light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before,
within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in
a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change
a light bulb joke.
How many knock-knock jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many GLC workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing
that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the light bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Note: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques.
How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of
them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a
cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room
with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow
smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun,
and the cocker spaniel. (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
How many sado-masochists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "And that's magic !"
How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
How many computer security experts does it take to change a light
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a
C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must
document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also
audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels
are not allowed. [See also the "Orange Book"]
How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a light
None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we
just find them.
How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. How many?
2. It depends : - If they are applications programmers, it takes
exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host
programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or
MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes
one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world
to revolve around him.
3. One to analyze the historical failure rates of light bulbs using
PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the light bulb
before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS
is better for changing light bulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP,
SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface
in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of
the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to
write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize
the light bulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different
ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the
light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to
try to get them to explain when a new version of the light bulb
will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using light bulbs for
another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its light
bulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz light bulbs tend to explode upon
insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible
ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new
filaments into all mission critical light bulbs until its author
is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode
itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write
a graphical front end to the light bulb changing process using
SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of light
bulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we
need to buy bigger light bulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper
summarizing the entire light bulb project, taking credit for the
design and execution of the light bulb project itself as well as
the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a
second SUGI paper benchmarking light bulb replacement on twelve
different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for
florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for
the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were
all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the
dollie loaded with SAS/Light Bulb manuals, and, One more to ask
SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, now.
4. Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
5. Please let us know!
6. That depends; what color is the bulb?
7. It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That
needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
8. They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read
the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to
change the light bulb.
9. This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a hardware
10. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack
of manuals doesn't tip over.
11. One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of
the 15 manuals on the shelf.
12. Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
13. Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the
(validity of the) output.
14. It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There's a primitive for that.
Note: I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is
included as a part of the language. You don't have to write code
("hack") to do it.
How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems
to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact
2. I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
3. Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned query
number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it in all future
How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now,
exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong .
. . have you tried the light switch?
How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and
has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number
for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a
technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the
electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
How many experienced computer users does it take to change a light
Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week.
You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they
shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time
you say ? Blush
How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They screw in hotel rooms.
How many of Brother Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light
FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.
How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change
the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.
How many builders does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but I'll 'ave to take out yer rafters and 'ave a go at yer damp
an'all missus. Gi's a week or two and I'll drop round some numbers.
How many Romanians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
2. None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per
family to save electricity.
3. How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
What did the light bulb say to the fuse?
That's a blow !
How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark
alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.
2. One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
3. Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy
the bulb and screw it in.
4. Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and
one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the
5. Five, one to change it, one to drink a beer to it, one to write a
song about it, and two to go to the parking lot and fight about
How many trainspotters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one
to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an
attractive Christmas tree decoration.
2. One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back
How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom
person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person
2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt
and tell us he's doing it all wrong.
How many A & R men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. "We're not changing any light bulbs at the moment."
2. None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I
liked it better without the light bulb."
How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a tech job.
Note: That joke is a lot funnier if you know a little bit about the
wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it to say that it is a
highly unionized environment, and there is always a little friendly
(?) bickering between the technicians and the jocks. :-)
How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a light
Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving
How many crusties does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about
to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start
arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets
dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a
good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and
#8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at
least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware
shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the
princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy
liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's
pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose
names they've forgotten but they do at least sound familiar, and much
frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down
the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass
crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his
way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the light
bulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the
dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a
Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on
something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding
the last unsmashed light bulb in its mouth.
How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
Note: Could someone please tell me if this is referring to anything...
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out lightbulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up
3. German Shepherd: I'll guard the lightbulb while you decide. Back
4. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!
5. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be
6. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
7. Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
8. Lab: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can
I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
9. Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's
10. CHOW CHOW: I'm with the malamute. After I take my nap that is!
11. AKITA: I'm with the chow and malamute! What's for dinner?
12. Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I
just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it's mine, ALL
13. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in
14. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
15. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
17. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
18. Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.
19. Australian Shepherd or Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little
20. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just
ate was a light bulb??
Note: Is a "Kelpie" really a Sheltie? A Sheltie looks about like a toy
collie and isn't really at all like an Australian Shepherd and, as far
as I've ever seen, just barks and barks and barks ... :-/
How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
2. Just one, who gets the candles out.
3. Just one, they normally can't cope with people anyway.
How many Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections
in the bulb's name.
How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want them to change it into.
How many egotists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to revolve
How many health food freaks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on
the new one. (But did they change it for health or philosophical
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical
Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the
manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are
involved in (blah blah blah...)
2. None. Vegans don't change anything.
How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a
All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least
half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
How many macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to
ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the
How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and
think beautiful thoughts.
How many VMM members does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A little bit of
bitterness there from Brian.)
2. Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around
discussing what they all want to do next.
Note: VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever
puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.
How many new-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm
well I don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but
of course I woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..."
2. Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic
auras.(and optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the
renewal of the light.)
3. Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
4. Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in
How many French farmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new light bulb. Farmer #2
notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire
to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3
Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British
How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.
How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable tv
pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to screw in a LIGHT
1. None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing. Even if they
did they'd get someone else to do it.
2. One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of the soft
white variety over all others.
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits
to being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for.
Instead, they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT
How many white supremacists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None...The light bulb in their heads never comes on!
2. At least 25, but once they get revved up on moonshine they'll
realize the bulb is white and should refuse to change!
3. At least 50. But it never gets done 'cuz now the bulb is dark and
they must organize a march against it!
4. All of them, until the moonshine tells them It has plenty of proof
this is all a Jewish conspiracy!
How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
Note: Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke refers to
the many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a light
None, they have a service come in and do that.
How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a
Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it
was in the Sixties.
How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician.
(Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...)
(Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but most
people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.)
How many politically correct people does it take to change a light
None. "Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If it wishes
to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and
How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light
None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban
light bulb jokes.
How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a light
None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which
obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand
years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture
more and replace them.
How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm with the
How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
2. None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
How many poltergeists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to
put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for
How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed
it to "light bulb".
How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early
next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then
left and then right. No, thanks, anytime."
How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how
much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it
How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban;
e-mail list maintainer]
How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends
How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
2. 1,500,000: To conquer a race that can climb ladders for them.
How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic.
Note: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in plastic.
How many MTV cartoon characters does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Light Bulbs suck or something...
Huh-huh-huh... Yeah ! But light bulb jokes are coool... huh-huh...
Huh-huh... Light Bulb jokes kick aaaasss... (inserts hand into
trousers and rubs up and down...)
I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
I dunno know either you dumb ass. Uhhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Who are you calling dumb ass, butt munch? Heh-heh-heh-heh.
You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Shut up Butthead!
No, you shut up!
No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh! Answer the damn
question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm, what is the
question, Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I thought you
I think I am having a stiffy. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think it was
like, uh-uh, like how many, uh-uh, like Beavis and
Buttheads, huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh, does take to screw in
a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
I dunno know...
Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think he means like
our, uh-uh, ...
: "Uh huh huh huh huh. You said "Screw."
: "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw. Screw. SCREW!"
: "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick your ass."
How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
1. It depends whether the switch is on or off.
2. If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until
one of them figures out to turn it off.
How many deaf blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround
the house when it rebuffs them.
2. It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
Note: BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms,
repsonsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !) Branch
Davidians siege in spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second
How many xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents, narcs, deans) does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to seize the light bulb and the others hold him very very
still, because they KNOW the world turns.
How many CIA covert operatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - One to change the bulb and one to spread disinformation.
How many Group 4 security guards does it take to screw in a light
Two in an armoured car, but it escaped on its way to the socket.
How many Police Academys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
VI, but they're all basically the same.
How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true light
is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the bulb gets
Note: Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called dialectics to seek
answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions. Shortened it is
"thesis, antithesis, synthesis". Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can
arrive at a middle ground through logical examination 'it's dark but
it can be made light'.
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if
they need light they go out and look at the sun.
How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively
How many folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three, one to do it, one to write the grant, and one to complain
that the old one was better.
2. Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always
be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is
incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
2. You have to examine the nature of the question.
How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
2. Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't
going to hatch.
3. None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story
about "last night."
Note: This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work there. The
stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a few bedroom
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it
feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with
light bulbs !
2. They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and
then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of
people get hurt because they can't see.
How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while
doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
2. Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the
How many Newfies does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the
new one in.
2. 5, one to hold the light bulb, 4 to turn the ladder.
3. 99, one to hold the light bulb, 98 to turn the house.
(A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by
How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
shows, and one to play classic rock.
How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to
screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like it in the dark.
How many one-armed people does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
Two, but they have to be really tiny.
How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They won't, because:
* "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"
* "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter
one, so where will it all end?"
* "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three
* "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is
* "We don't know what effect all this artificial light will have on
the future of mankind."
* "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."
* "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
* "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
* "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color
sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status,
national origin, or need."
How many furries does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb. Three to
protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear clothing which
emphasizes curves and musculature, and look cute and dangerous at the
Note: furries = characters in what's called "furry" science fiction.
Best depicted on cover art; the men look like bodybuilders, the women
are indescribably buxom, and both wear some version of
Tarzan/Jane-style costumes to show as much skin and musculature as
How many furfen does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb. One to
complain that there was too much erotica in the previous answer and
this one, and that people should come up with more non-erotic answers
because of the impact on public negativity towards furriness. And the
third to explain about their erotic dreams involving furry light bulb
Note: furfen = fans of furries. "fen" is a long-used plural for "fan".
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a
Many hands make light work.
Note: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial Americana,
written (pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the 1740s. It advocates a
simple, thrifty lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that
one, so it makes a nice play on words.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Note: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space Odyssey.
It's more the book, actually. That and "The Lost Worlds of 2001"
should help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths, according to
the books, are meant to help man evolve, something sort of hinted at
in the film but more explicitly stated in the books.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's something
to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being
impossible to prove things.)
How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a light
As many as you think it takes.
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian inference
(and about the subjectivity inherent in "classical" inference) since
then -- so spare us the flames about the misperceptions on which the
above joke is based.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Note: The "dadaist" answer, like dadaism itself, goes further than the
surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least bears the
semblance of a relationship to the question, the dadaist one is the
punchline to another joke entirely.
How many spies does it take to change a light bulb?
(I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark
How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room
to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
Note: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of
self-esteem-building programme that was popular in the late 1970s. The
sessions were as described in the punchline.
How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
1. We can't say.
2. Three, in fourteen countries.
Note: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver
North was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as
Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.
How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need
a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms,
and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the
Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted
the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather
than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point
and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite
work out that way.
How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University
of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.
How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and
theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment.
This relates to his theories.
How many gypsies does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the
losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a
Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon
you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.
How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a light bulb?
100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who was a
real bitch to work for. She fired employees at little or no
How many marginals does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.
Note: Anyone know what a marginal is or does? It sounds like a rude
reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting foreign objects
in each others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal" is some regional insulting
term for some kind of male homosexual?
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half. (Is this a science-fiction in-joke?)
Why did the light bulb fall out of the tree?
1. Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
2. Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
3. Cos it was autumn. (eh?)
(Thus combining the twin themes of light bulb jokes and jokes about
things falling out of trees...)
How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
2. One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course
meal and some great sex.
3. One, but just try to convince them that the burnt out bulb is
useless and should be thrown away.
How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're done
the light bulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any
color you want it to.
2. Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the
'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Light Bulbs.'
3. Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who
is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.
How many Cancerians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.
2. Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
3. None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.
How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agents get
a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
2. None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Virgos don't have time to change their own light bulbs. They're
too busy changing them for everyone else.
2. Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
3. Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb
burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault
it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the
first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're
changing the bulb...
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that two. Is
that okay with you?
2. Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
3. Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and
where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just
an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where
to find a new light bulb, or...
How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
2. None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
3. That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner
members of the heirarchical Order.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
2. The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
3. A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for
them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. Capricorns can't afford new light bulbs - unless they're a
legitimate business expense.
2. I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
3. None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out
again tomorrow anyway.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
2. A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change
the bulb and bring light to the world.
3. Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to
do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired
of you asking me questions.
How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Huh? The light's out?
2. What light bulb?
3. None: They concern themselves with inner light.
How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
2. Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
3. Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs. (smash)
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Nobody knows; first you must find one awake enough to realize that
the bulb has burned out.
How many car dealers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think
you'll be pleasantly surprised.
How many fast food restaurant employees does it take to screw in a
1. You want fries with that?
How many busboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. Two. One to find it and the other to get the dishwasher to do it.
How many Quebec separatists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Fifty percent plus one.
Note as submitted: The francophones in Quebec are hell-bent on
separating from the rest of Canada... they have had several
referendums but keep losing the vote. They keep saying all they
need is "50% plus one" meaning anything greater than 50% of the
vote. So the anglophones in Quebec, and the people in the rest of
Canada think it's funny. There is some resentment between the two
How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. If the light bulb was out, that's the way nature intended it!
How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Nobody knows; they scatter when the new bulb comes on.