# Lightbulb Jokes 5

How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

How many university students does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly,
and one to phone the landlord to ask for the light bulb to be
changed.
2. Two. One to hold it and one to turn him around.
3. 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether
they should join the Light Bulbs Union first and then what to call
the new light bulb - (the Nelson Mandela light bulb?), one to put
it in... and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good
days work...

How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they have their parents do it for them.

How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The students will just wreck it anyhow, so why bother?

How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one to sit in the jail, and
ten to demonstrate on the streets.

How many computer science students does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. They are far too busy hacking.

How many engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many law students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rulebook
gets defenestrated !" and the other to complain about the
hipopotamonstrosesqi (can't remember the end of this word) end of his
friend's last remark.

How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change
a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.

How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One hundred; one to change the light bulb, the other ninety-nine
to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
2. None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
3. Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.

How many medical students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are too busy propping up the bar.

How many maths students does it take to change a light bulb?
20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it
is.

How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. 6 - one to screw it in and 5 to make the t-shirts.
2. 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being
changed.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
2. Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off
the keg.
3. Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room
spins.

How many Marvins does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Light bulbs, don't talk to me about light bulbs. Brain the size of a
planet and you ask me to change light bulbs.
(Note: That's Marvin the Paranoid Android from the radio
series/book/tv series Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
1. None. They need a Cardassian to figure it out for them.
2. Ch'iv na myinki blish.
3. 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace.

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?"
1. Two. One to put the new one in, and one to sell the old one as an
antique.
2. None. They just sell the whole lamp to some young Starfleet ensign
for lots of profit.
3. Just one. But he'll charge you double for it.

How many shape shifters does it take to change a light bulb?"
None. They are the lightbulb.

How many Kender does it take to change a light bulb?"
Lightbulb? Oh, this lightbulb. You must have dropped it. I just picked
it up to return it to you...

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take
the credit.
2. None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

What do they do with the dead bulb?
Execute it for failure.

What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
Execute him for cowardice.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
1. None, they just assimilate the bulb.
2. All of them.

How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light
bulb?
One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints
will provide a quite nice illumination. (Someone please tell me what
TV programme this is from...)

How many mechanoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. Y'know why? Because they're so stupid!
Note: From the Red Dwarf episode where Kryten became human.

How many Blake's 7 does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Zen's Auto-repair circuits take care of that! Note: Blake's
Seven is a British 70s/80s sci-fi TV show.

How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know that!
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.

How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline,
light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to
get in.
2. Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
2. Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.

Why did the light bulb cross the road?
Because it saw two elephants coming.

How long would it take an elephant and a rhinoceros to screw in a
light bulb?
Hell if I know.

How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he
looks for a new one.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. (with eternal thanks to
David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)

How many dinosaurs does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years... because they have
to evolve opposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it
in. :)

How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open
plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

How many giraffes does it take to change a light bulb?
4, one screw for each of their necks.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two--but how did they get in there?

How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know but I bet it would take a whole lot.

How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: they do it in the fruit.

How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

How many antibiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.

How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
1. "Are you sure you want to go to red alert Sir? It does mean
changing the bulb!"
2. 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he
can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an
emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to
procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu,
and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security
officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the
landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty
notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to
escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering
from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and
given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the
Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up
Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise
continues with its five year mission.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde:
We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator:
Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:
Yes.
Operator:
The power in the house in on?
Blonde:
Of course.
Operator:
And the switch is on?
Blonde:
Yes, yes.
Operator:
And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde:
No, it's working fine.
Operator:
Then what's the problem?
Blonde:
We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.

How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are
met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A
committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year.
Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the
light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security
funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional
district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The
blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the
other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb.
Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost
130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb
failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding
trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by
most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian
light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing
system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The
surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright
light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot
afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will
give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall
will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally,
each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a
newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed
almost single-handedly.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
2. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
3. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do
hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i. E., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following
steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool,
ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,
this point being non-negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third
part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer)
shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light
Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent
with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the
rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point
also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most
possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as
"Partnership."

How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components
plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke:

An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department of Energy
plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the replacement of a
light bulb in a criticality beacon." The beacon, similar to the
revolving red lamp atop a police car, warns workers of nuclear
accidents. The memo said the job should take at least 16 people over
60 hours to replace the light. It added that the same job used to take
12 workers 4.15 hours.

The memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a
work-control meeting; talk with other workers who have done the job
before; meet again; get signatures from five people at that
work-control meeting; get the project plans approved by separate
officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste management and plant
scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality-beacon test; direct
electricians to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the repair.
Mark Obmascik in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)

How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
Note: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to
be where women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has
earned a reputation for militant feminism as it has remained
all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed failure to laugh along
at deprecatory remarks.

How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. We don't know yet. No has ever tried to attempt this
complex (by standards) technical feat.
2. 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch
dolls

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next
week. Meanwhile...

How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, assholes never see the light anyway.

How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. What?! And ruin my nails???
2. Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
3. Two. One to call the electricion and one to fix the Martinis.
4. Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building
superintendant.

Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the
drink.

How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
2. Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. One, but it takes twelve steps.
2. One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
3. One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
Note: think height!

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward
a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
2. Two. One to doubt the existence of the bulb, and one to question
the need to replace it since we are all destined to die anyway.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
one.

How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?
2. Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over
whether or not the light bulb exists.
3. Define "light bulb".................

How many Random Light Bulb Joke readers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None. They just wait for a new one to be loaded.

How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot exist
to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb...

How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
2. None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely
euthanized.
3. 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to
actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various
possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine
eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of
view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes
(what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six
conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are;
five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately
to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs
who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested;
three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out
without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done;
two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important
than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the BS and replace the
bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the
Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely
sure that it really does add up to 66.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, if it knows its own Gödel number.
Note: A Gödel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing
Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that
matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if
the machine knows its own Gödel Number it can simulate itself...
It does come from the mathematician Gödel - partly because he used
TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.
2. Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah ???)

How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.

How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
screw in a light bulb?
1. (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs,
as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for
the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to
your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a
few months notice.
2. (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs
when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me
and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else
does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
3. (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or
not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A.
Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing
US light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost
\$10,000 to screw in here.
4. (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I
resent it, and the American people resent it.
5. (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are
putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to
on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
6. (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my
hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's
all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm
foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the
same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn
it.
7. (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at
best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But
even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact
is that the American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or
gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American
Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans
can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.

How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
change a light bulb?
1. (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have
light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
2. (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the
servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont
administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to
produce light bulbs that never need changing.
3. (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this
light bulb!
4. (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light
bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs!
[stumble over chair in the dark].
5. (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
6. (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that
question. I've answered it before, and I think the media are
keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are TIRED of
light bulb jokes.

How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that
someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an
intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered
with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to
insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps
to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really
screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being
disinformation specialists.

How many election canvassers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a
change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for
"New light bulb."

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
That's a military secret.

How many military information officers does it take to change a light
bulb?
At the present point in time it is against policy and the best
interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a

How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons
of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't
defective.
Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke.

How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't change a light bulb. You have to smash it!
Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that
believes in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a
student activist at Harvard.

How many Leninists does it take to change a light bulb?
It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!

How many Trotskyists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb has to be changed constantly.

How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
Note: An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for
theirself. Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them. Or, none of
them. Or several." (BTW, I prefer "theirself" to any other
construction.)

How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

How many Chinese does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
One, but don't expect results.

How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they like Danzig in the dark.

How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to
drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack
pipe while he does it.

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
1. WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
2. JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?

How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in
explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.

How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...

How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
One, but they're really three.

How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and
old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have a hyphen.)

How many smokers does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. If they all light up together the light bulb will do so
too.

How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. "I can't change my light bulb. But I can change my burger to a
Burger King burger."

How many archaeologists does does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll
be architecturally accurate.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in an architect
designed house?
None. You can't change the light bulbs in an architect designed house.

How many "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a
light bulb?
Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't figured that out
yet.

How many of me does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to
spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone.

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two thirds.
Note: Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs,
etc. Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person". Or, perhaps it's
"Got three hands, only needs two for the job?"

How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
2. One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and
Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.

Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away,
without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong
with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find
somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to
eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the light
bulb's best interests at heart.
2. Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because
it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the
case conference and one to make sure they are all following the
correct working practice.
3. One, but it takes another eight to call a meeting, to produce a
leaflet entiled "coping with darkness."

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to
why the last one went out.

How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a
light bulb?
1. All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
they can get after they graduate.
2. Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?

How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

How many Schriners does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, and three to steady the wagon.

How many Saturn owners does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, but the factory guy has to talk them through it.

How many Buick Grand National owners does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. Since Grand Nationals travel faster than the speed of light, you
never knew the bulb was burnt out in the first place.

How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Change it to what?

How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...

How many [trying to think of it] does it take to change a light bulb?
????. One to change it,???? to????, and one to complain that even
after all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts 1000
hours.

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the
combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)
2. None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of
burned-out light bulbs?

How many bank vice-presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to change the bulb, and half a dozen more to consider the
impact of additional light on the balance sheet.

How many gardeners does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether
this is the right time of year to be putting in light bulbs or
daffodil bulbs.
2. Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the
older, heavier ones.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will fit in the El Camino.
Note: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was
popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a
lot of people into their cars when they go low-riding.

How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb??
Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
Note: Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters over Iraq.

How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
2. Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it
explodes.
3. Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to
claim responsibility in a phone call to the news media.

How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's
bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think
up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut
little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000
kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim
responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building
with working lights.

How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole
city turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.)

How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to
perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
to advance sufficiently to revive it.

How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the
effects on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who
sat around in the dark.
Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington

How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm
and pay an extra \$15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
2. Two-fifty.
3. One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the
world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of
World Records.
4. One, who'll do it for food.
5. One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out,
wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his
back, and realize where the light bulb went.
6. Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the
southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is
actually pretty negligible).
7. Furrfu ! Note: - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in Rot-13 (a
simple but commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary
against unwanted exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive
language).

How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the old
bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame the
TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon
LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the
British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never
need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it,
and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.

How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor
variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that
noone else had ever thought of.