Lightbulb Jokes 4How many chess computers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en passant, one to
put the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was
unscrewed, one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes
place on the other side of the board, and one to flash its lights,
make lots of noise, and announce out of the blue that it has found a
forced mate in seven.
How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They are too "Short".
2. 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the
How many people does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby Fischer?
Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file
three millimetres off it first.
How many ping pong players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to
change the light bulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used
to fix the light bulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the
"Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and point out that he could have bought an
even better one for 50p less.
How many scrabble players does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or
vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb
alone and change the room. It's all relative.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
Two kids are bragging:
My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
Oh, yeah! Sez who?
Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the light,
and I'll eat it!"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.
How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
1. GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they
wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
2. Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at the
hospital to remove it.
How many w***ers does it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster and
faster, until it fuses.
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
Both of them.
How many hairdressers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two; one to change the bulb, the other to say 'Wow, that looks
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
2. Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's talk
about the shade !
3. Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff to remove
4. Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
5. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek
How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
2. Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second,
they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they
2. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around
with other men.
3. Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves
because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
How many tight gits does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these
technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
2. None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't
3. None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light
1. None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
2. None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
+ This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and
evolved over many years by small steps,
+ There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any
form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take
their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
+ We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of
their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination
+ We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to
develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single
candle instead of cursing the darkness.
2. None. We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You
are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your
personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next
month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to luminescence.
How may Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Unitarian Universalists don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
2. 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
light bulbs too.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. A tree in a golden forest.
3. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
4. None. Zen masters carry their own light.
5. Is the room dark if there's nobody there?
6. Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
7. One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
8. Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. They're never in the dark.
2. None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
3. None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. Note: Many icons and
other religious artworks describe christian saints and biblical
figures glowing with light.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light
bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of
How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
Note: PUJA is a religious ceremony.
How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
Salman Rushdie in the dark.
How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 5 to form a community and the rest of the church to vote on it.
2. At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three
committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole. [Could
also be Methodists.]
How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
How many Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?
They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their
use in the New Testament.
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Doesn't matter as long as it is done decently and in order.
2. None, God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hare Krishna."
How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, they provide their own illumination.
2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One, the hands are already in the air.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, one to change it and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight, one to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they
liked the old one better.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-two. One to change the bulb, six to carry the bulb down the
aisle in the procession, and fifteen boys in the choir.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against
the will of God.
2. Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
3. What's a light bulb?
Note: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania Dutch",
who mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania
and are noted for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of
living that forbids using such modern conveniences as electricity and
automobiles, and indeed often look and act as if they were time
travelers from the early nineteenth century (they drive around in
horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant
immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people
misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for nationality). Their
quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they
often have a chance to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no
precedent for lightbulb changing.
2. None, they use candles.
3. Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
4. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the
old bulb last rites.
How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light
None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee of twelve to
talk about how they miss the old one.
2. None. Lutherans don't believe in change
How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll all just sit in the dark and wait for God to say "Let
there be light!"
How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
It depends on the dance step.
How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
2. Five, one man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how
to do it.
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
replacing the whole house real soon, though nobody knows quite when.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady.
How many zionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - one to stay home and try to convinve someone else to do it, a
second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and another to
proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands behind their actions.
How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a
woman. Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced
"hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes
above refer to various further subsects and their peculiarities. The
Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their belief that the
Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver joke
refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi
Nachman, and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as
nobody in the group feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar
are very strict in their adherence to the sex-role distinctions
prescribed by the Bible-in one area, they've been fighting with local
authorities about school busing, because they believe that women
should not be allowed to drive, and the school system employs a lot
of women as bus drivers.
How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's alright. I'll sit in the dark."
How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
1. None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out
2. None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be
bothered to do a simple thing like change a light bulb for them,
and after all they've done for you...
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her
How many mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say, "I told
How many divorcees does it take to change a light bulb ?
None. The sockets all went with the house.
Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
1. BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
2. Cos it does, RIGHT?
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
2. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't
even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in
the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the
past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually
find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged
from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE
CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#$%^&*! LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY!?
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A
WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS......
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
2. None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing.
3. Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
4. "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
5. Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and minorities will
suffer more than anyone else because it's dark.
6. Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform will limit
the number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to under 2
7. None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally protected right
to work in the dark if they choose to.
8. It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that a
woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be banned by the FCC.
9. Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks are for!
10. One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a minority or
11. If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up to the
government or the father to support any children resulting from
such a sexual act. She will also require free day care for the
light bulb children and federal funding for studies of how
light-bulb children should be treated under affirmative action
12. One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump), she would be
able to replace the light bulb much easier.
13. One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother Earth and
use a fluorescent lamp designed to last 3 times longer and protect
the environment... But if a man isn't paying for it, then she will
use the cheapest one.
14. Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good
15. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
16. Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
17. Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt
on any man who tries to interfere.
18. Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be unable to
provide her children light without federal assistance; and a
N.O.W. attorney to ask the Justice Department to sue GE for
allowing the bulb to go out in the first place.
19. Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to screw it
in. Another to file harassment charges against the men possibly
looking at her in the dark.
20. Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before
it's a third of the way in.
21. Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual
22. Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harassment
lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
23. Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a
female electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
24. Five. One to screw the bulb and four to negotiate television movie
rights for their account of the experience.
25. Seven. One to change the light bulb, three to protest the offense
committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket, two to
secretly wish they were the socket, and one to secretly wish she
was the light bulb.
26. That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10
women-only-government- contractors working 2 years at a salary of
$50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the
man to do it.
27. Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to research how
the white male patriarchy conspires to keep women and minorities
in the dark.
28. 11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a survivors of
darkness support group!
29. Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
30. 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize
about how oppressed the socket is.
31. How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to
outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is
not a representative of mainstream feminism.
32. 30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting Newt Gingrich
cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing Agency...
33. 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the LB be
34. Screwing is a patriarchal concept that denotes hierarchical
subjugation of women for the pleasure of men. Radical feminists
don't screw in light bulbs, they empower them to change
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
1. (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
2. None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket.
3. Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken
glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
4. Three: one to turn the bulb, two to stand across the room and say
"would you just look at what she is wearing."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. No one knows, it's like a man putting the toilet seat down... it
2. Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
3. One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how
many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax
4. None. Men don't screw-in light bulbs; they think they can turn
them on just by rubbing up against them.
5. One -- men will screw anything.
6. Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
1. We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
2. Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
How many new men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such
thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like
telling us what we all like, have declared that women don't really
go for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity
2. Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
How many new romantics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing concept,
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it, and
one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
2. None. They have the girls do it.
How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "What's a light bulb?"
2. It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it
with the lights off.
3. Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.
4. That's a rather personal question. If you're available on Saturday
night, perhaps we could...
5. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
6. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
7. Three. One to hold the light bulb, two to spin the ladder.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
With lubricant. (But how does she get into the light bulb?)
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out light bulbs.
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
How many Harvard men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're too good (nose in the air) to do such menial work.
How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in Cortinas
How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
one. It isN't oo easy.
How many dyslexics (sp?) does it take to bulb a like change?
2. 6... or is it 9?
3. 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to missread the manual
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three, but they're really only one.
2. 200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it
to see the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point
out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being
told, their light might go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the
demon of darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in
"the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered
together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satanism
newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having
trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to
change our beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit"
its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot
telling the light bulb that if it really wants to be saved that
all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its
income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and
generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a
satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes,
do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come
back on - unless god is just "testing" the light bulb, then it may
stay dark forever.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
None. The light bulb didn't go out, it cannot go out, and it will
never go out. All light is eternal.
How many scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll take years and years
and set you back a quarter million bucks.
How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---- You should have hit "n"!
How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two: one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the
2. Six: two to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit
from the moment they began screwing.
3. Nine: four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up
pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the
person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.
How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before
it was lit up.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
1. None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
2. Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the
Variation: It depends on high the ceiling is.
How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?
None! A baby comes into the room and the whole room lights up.
How many kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if you beat them down, douse them with lighter fluid, and throw
them in a fire.
How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a light
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light
bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Harvard/Oxford students does it take to screw in a light
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
2. It all depends on the size of the grant.
3. Two and a professor to take credit.
4. 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light bulbs a day.
5. I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
$100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell
me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for
answering this incredibly vital question.