Lightbulb Jokes 2

How many O.J. Simpson jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They voted it "not dark".

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in
states that still have car-inspection laws.)
2. Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light
bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
3. Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental
impact statement.
4. One to do it and the other 156 to blabber to the world how they've
done something better then Canadians (for once).
5. 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it
it was politically correct.

How many American soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. But you also need six British soldiers for them to blow up and
a slew of Pentagon lawyers and spin doctors to explain "This tragic
friendly fire incident".

How many Airborne Rangers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; he stands still and the world revolves around him.

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You wouldn't know because you weren't there, man, you weren't there!

How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have council fires instead.

How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
2. Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
3. Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and
discuss the environmental impact.
4. Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the
experience.
5. Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.

How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.
3. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

How many hippies from Oregon does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. What's a light bulb?
2. Man, hippies don't screw, they make love!

How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over
here."

How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter
laugh]

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
2. Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to
replace it after the ensuing publicity.
3. Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from
muggers.
4. 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to
stop it.
5. 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.

How many New Jersey State Supreme Court justices does it take to
change a light bulb?
15--One to change the bulb, fourteen to attempt to rehabilitate the
old bulb.

How many people from Savannah does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change it, and one blue haired old lady to remark how
much lovelier the old bulb was.

How many Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, one to screw in the light bulb and three to talk about how fine
the old one was.

How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in New Orleans?
Three. One to hold the ladder, the second to screw the lightbulb in,
and the third to bribe the public official.

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
2. None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud
they know how to do it.
3. Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it
with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a
log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others
round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
4. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how
to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't
translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest
that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one
woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to
say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to
go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and
buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to
actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure
so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two: one to screw it in, and one to see if that's how they do it
in New York.
2. Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the
greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class
bulb screwing.
3. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden
Galleria.
Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour and a half away from
the Centre of the Universe and just off the Interstate in Buffalo,
New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians engaging in the old
Canadian tradition of cross border shopping. On a weekend the
parking lot would be so full of Ontario plates you would think
that you were in Canada. Of course you could not legally return to
Canada with more than $25 worth of goods for an afternoon visit
and so thousands of honest, polite and industrious Canadians were
turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic method for smuggling
clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars
containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently
queue up Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few
hours later, miraculously, in the true American tradition of rags
to riches, be transformed into trendy and well attired
Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive
afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada
Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the
exotic malls of Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with
the introduction of Sunday shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the
steadily declining value of the Canadian dollar. Sorry I got so
long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while it lasted, even
if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought back a lot
of memories.

How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

How many Panamanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to actually do it and the other two to get drunk and watch.

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have
had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.

How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold
his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
2. 15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good batsman
Geoffrey Boycott was.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One says to the other, "Could you turn the light on in here
Mick? It's so dark I can't see what I'm doing."
2. Two, one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink till the room
spins.
3. 1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the house
round.

How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to hold the light bulb, and 99 to drink until the room starts
to spin.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to
screw it in.
3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control checkers
at the Löwenbräu brewery here in the beautiful city of Munich where
they have to carefully check that each and every stage of the beer
brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient brewing laws
laid down in 1516 which set minimum standards for the purity of the
ingredients otherwise they'd be subject to extremely enormous fines so
quality control is a very important job both in terms of the quality
of all the Löwenbräu beers and of course the financial good health of
the company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops not
forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance? What we
Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our beer.

How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

How many Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...

How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
Note: This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.

How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?
9000 and its their light bulb

How many Ukrainians from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
2. None. They just hold it up and it works.

How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

What is the greatest polish invention?
A solar powered light bulb.

How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say
the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break
into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest
the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and
spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen
Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb
(and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St.
Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food,
twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything
else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to
screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in,
and the Monsignor to bless it.

How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more
bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the
chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to
turn the chair.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.

What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.

A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. ``Don't
bother, I'll reach it anyway.''

How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
tight circles.
2. Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it
down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the
packaging.

How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's
sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's
uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend
did it real cheap for me once.

How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to
the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan,
even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.

How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
2. 8; 2 to break down the door and kill the family, 5 to loot the
house, and one to change the bulb.

How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with
Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage
around the world!!

How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly
eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was
burnt out in the first place.

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. Australians can find beer in a dark fridge.
2. Two. One to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
3. 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say
"Good on yer, mate!"

How many New Zealanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.

How many Prince Edward Islanders does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. None, if it's winter. No one wants to lose their pougy
(unemployment insurance).
2. 65,000 people for thirteen weeks (in the summer) then quit and go
on pougy for the rest of the year!

How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really
easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a
start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the
Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit,
and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
2. Two. One to change it, and another one to take the credit.
3. Two. One to hold a press conference to inform the public that
everything possible is being done to ratify the situation while
another one screws the light bulb into the water faucet.
4. Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.

How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
2. None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light
bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why
we need a Constitutional ammendment.
2. Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can
handle screwing one extra light bulb.

How many government officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme Court - to determine
its constitutionality.

How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Less and less all the time.

How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light
bulb?
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to
find out what the other candidate's families think about light bulbs,
bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.

How long does it take Dan Quayle to change a light bulb?
A long time. He's got to learn to spell before he can read the
instructions on the box.

How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making light bulbs free.
2. None -- He'll only promise "change."
3. Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one
to obscure the issues.

How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light
bulb in the White House?
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto".
And they don't do anything in the first place.

How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in
1983
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran.

How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in
or not!
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for
Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)

How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light
bulb to Iran.

How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
2. Just one - Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de
facto ascent to power in 1987

How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the
denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning
out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on
Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit
bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp,
one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one
former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for
the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the
kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.

How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None, they all just quit and go home!
2. "Let me show you this chart!!"

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
2. None. They assume the problem away.
3. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
4. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
5. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The invisible hand does it.
2. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the
conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show
growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely
getting brighter !!!

How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or
should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah
blah waffle)"

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the
social, economic, and ethnic communities.
2. Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from
jerking.
3. None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part
of the environment.

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, they only screw the poor
2. None, they turned that responsibility over to the states.
3. Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
4. 900. 1 to change it and 899 to call Rush Limbaugh and complain
about how the new one will ruin the nation.

How many Alan Keyes Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than there are.

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous
bulb.

How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
2. None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit
in the dark.

How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know
how.

How many MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.

How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally
from the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens
underwear.
2. I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service
has been privatised and the information you require is
commercially sensitive.

How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the
failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb
in place 17 years ago.

How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.

How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in
the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step
ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make
sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to
supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to
nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night.
One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.

How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable right to
withdraw its labour.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
2. One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one
has burnt out.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish
the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory
unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously
dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb
itself.

How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change
a light bulb?
1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means
of production!

How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
2. Three: one who knows how to change it, one who knows how the light
switch works and one to keep an eye on the dangerous
intellectuals.

How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

How many nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of
themselves in their office.
2. Four. One to hold the light bulb ready, one to hold the ladder,
one to set up the computer, and one to log on to this web site.

How does an engineer change a light bulb?
As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he
doesn't !

How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

How many rocket scientist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None they just tell Marcus to do it.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. "We'll document it in the manual."
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall
down.
4.
if (you == "Bill Gates")
hold(light_bulb) && let_revolve_around(world, you);
endif
5. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
6. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to
document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
7. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical
writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who
documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least
five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274
users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for
another light bulb change,...
8. Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in,
and two to explain why the project was late.
9. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
10. It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules
to do unit testing, it stops working.
11. The change is 90% complete.
12. We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying
to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you
wait two months?
13. Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we
have who can get the software ready to ship to
customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
14. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was
a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

How many shareware authors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. This feature is only available in registered versions.

How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's
problem.

How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.

How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first

How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to
compile all the libraries.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change
message.
2. Only one, but it takes him all night, and when he's done, the
refrigerator and toilet don't work.
3. At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is,
because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over
there !"

How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to
write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit
the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go
down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to
show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them
paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting
you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out
the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.

How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001

How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a
light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put
his light-bulb in their socket.

How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.

How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Note: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP
programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf
computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp
heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is
as in the punchline. It could be improved:
2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...

How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb
at the same time.

How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you need to upgrade your socket
to the '486 version.

How many software vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and
re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.

How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light
bulb?
1. Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software
problem.

How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.

What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.

How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light
bulb in question.

How many IBM staff does it take to change a light bulb?
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they add value to photon emitter
units.

How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

How many IBM programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
33. One to change the lightbulb and the other 32 to write 14 volumes
of documentation of which half consists of pages containing only "This
page left intentionally blank" and the other half definitions such as
" 'bulb' can be defined as a glass and metal object with certain
electrical properties (see volume IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A
Bulb Used For Illumination") designed to mate with a housing integral
to the ceiling referred to as a "socket" (see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap
Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets"; if uncertain of the
socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets - A Preliminary
Identification Guide")"

How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor
card first, which is extra.
2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses
first.

How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do
it.
2. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
2. None - with the billions of working light bulbs in the world, your
odds of being next to a burned-out one are so small it will never
be a problem for you.
3. They aren't certain, everytime they do the math, they get a
different number.
4. 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
5. Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the
ladder....
6. 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you
convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the spec.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket
before the operation is started.
2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
3. Only about six or seven hundred, but it takes them at least two
years because they have to see how the Apple Computer people are
doing it first so they can steal the technique.

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
Note: Very similar to the bureaucrats joke.

How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard
socket."

How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him
as it would be for a Macintosh user.

How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in
six months anyway.

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait
until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
2. Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
3. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old
sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
4. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to
insert the new one.
5. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for
changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who
infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
6. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.

How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing.
Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that
is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the
participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a
function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential
is not known.

How many light bulbs does it take to screw Netscape?
Four. One for employees of non-profit organisations, one for students
and educators, one for people who can read a license agreement, one
for people who expect a company to keep its word.
Note: Refers to Netscape Corp., which distributed betas of their Web
browser for free, announcing that the final version will be free also.
Once the final version was out, they changed their mind. Only for
students, educators and employees of non-profit organisations does it
remain free.

How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
1. As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
2. One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live
and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.

How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!

How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as
such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However
you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)

How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
1. All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell
you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white
but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's
manufactured by DEC.
2. "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if
you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we
upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."

How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
92 - As follows:
2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in
addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).

1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.

1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when
we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!

5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements)
compatibility/architecture study.

3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows
function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet,
flashing, flood/spot).

3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
(!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
(bulb-in-one).

5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.

10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation -
screw-in torque, recovery strategies).

1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
group.

1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).

1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.

10 People - Answer customer BPRs.

11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.

How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.

How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.

How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
2. Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to
the old bulb.

How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!

How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?

How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is
the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be
changed? It seems inconsistent.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just
query them.

How many cover artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light
fixture?

How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.

How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one
in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out
on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of
date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and
updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that
new bulb is shipping with a virus.

How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the
manager.

How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.

How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They think it will grow back on its own.
2. One, but he uses a chainsaw.
3. They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note: This is based on recent successful environmentalist
pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered
spotted owl species.

How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled
addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)

How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's of no interest to them.

How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.

How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the way up
there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate !

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
bulbs.
2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that
fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace
the whole socket.

How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness.

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen, you got a problem with that?

How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one because the world revolves around him.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. It turned itself in.
2. None, it fell down the stairs, sir.
3. Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

How many hunters does it take to screw a light bulb into a left-handed
socket?
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could
screw right they would not be hunters.

How many hunt sabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the
carpet and the chair he was standing on.

How many police does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh?)

How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

How many bailiffs does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand
around such that none of this gets caught on camera.

How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the
ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and
it all only takes 91 seconds!

How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never was any light bulb.

How many disaster recovery planners does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup facilities in West Perth
you will find that our backup bulb is already glowing brightly and was
brought up only one hour after notification of failure of the primary
bulb.

How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
2. Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done
while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
3. Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out
the Environmental Impact Statement.
4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a
requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a
clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a
receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
5. Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and
federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to
fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the
water faucet.
6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally
finishes screwing it up.
7. None, we contract out for things like that.

How many standards body officials does it take to change a light bulb?
Threaded or Bayonet?

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.

How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who
ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the
mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and
a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in
light bulbs.

How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get
around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The
light bulb costs 3 million dollars.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to an earlier joke.
3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem
to an earlier joke.
4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing
the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can
change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have
changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n
mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <[email protected]>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
2. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist,
one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
3. One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on
statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his
own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb
is negatively or positively screwed.

How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
2. If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in
the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
3. The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in
any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
2. None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the
homework.
3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
4. On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million
to pick up the pieces.

How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a
light bulb?
1. Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an
irresistible urge to change it!
2. One - if you can find him (or her)!

How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. That's what research students are for.
2. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper
for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a complex
exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform
the removed light bulb.

How many environmental compliance professionals does it take to change
a light bulb?
21, one to change the bulb, 10 to figure out how to dispose of the old
one, and 10 to apply to the regulatory agencies for a disposal permit.

How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.

How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
change a light bulb?
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand around
arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it
right.

How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right
because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill
the government for the house.

How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention,
one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest
the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has
to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer
being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)

How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.

How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one
to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.



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