Clocks in HeavenA man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
The President Sucks
President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.
"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"
"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."
Bush and Matzo Balls
Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.
At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep! 's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth.
He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the Matzo, or just the balls?"
Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
George W. Bush's First 100 Days In Office
January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he's wearing under that dress.
January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.
January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.
January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!
January 31: Get people working on stuff.
February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.
February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.
February 5: Unite North, South Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.
February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.
February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.
February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.
February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.
March 1-March 31: Halftime!
April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?
April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.
April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.
April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.
April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.
April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; what's the harm?).
Bush v. Gore
In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
However, they disagreed on the details...
The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.
Barbara Bush's Most Embarrassing Moment
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."