Clinton Jokes and One-Liners

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle

Q. What's Lewinsky's favorite bird?
A. The swallow

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side

Q. What was Lewinsky's position at the white house?
A1. Head Intern
A2. Under Secretary
A3. Missionary

Q. What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI?
A. Deep Throat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set

Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker

Q. What is Clinton's favorite food?
A. The Cumquat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver

Q. What's Clinton's favorite song?
A. Grooving

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite Presidential Act?
A. Edict

Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone

Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns.

Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."

Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He is trolling for interns.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market

Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
A. Tongue Twisters...

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
A. Tongue Sandwich

Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
A. He knew she would be good at making things up.

Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
A. The Sear Sucker Suit

Q. Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
A. She wanted to get ahead in the world.

Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...

Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

Q. What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
A. Both get scooped regularly.

Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
A. Hot with Whipped Cream

Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice

Q. What magazine does Clinton hate?
A. WIRED

Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
A. Don't Tripp!

Q. What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'What A Bad Tripp!'

Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
A. Tricky Dick

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally

Q. What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common?
A. Both were Pricked.

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!

Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'

Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
A. Come and get it.

Q. What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
A. Spot remover.

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q. What do Monica & the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A. They both blew it.

Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?
A. To keep his ankles warm.

Q. What do Monica & OJ Simpson have in common?
A. Sore knees.

Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
A. So he could play that Hoarmonica

Q. Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. CHELSEA

Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush

Q. What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
A. 'My Taste For Power'

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. His lips are moving

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A. A dog chases his own tail

Q. What is Clinton's codename?
A. 'The Unibanger'

Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. U.S. Open

Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.

Q. Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?
A. Lorena Bobbitt

Q. Why are they asking for $3.00 Presidential funds in this year's tax returns (Last year it was only $1.00)
A. Because condom prices have gone up!

Q. What is the difference between the president and the titanic?
A. They know exactly how many people went down on the titanic.

Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.

Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.

Q. What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
A. NOW she decides to open her mouth!



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