Microsoft Jokes 5

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming; the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Quake III for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And a Pokemon game for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: [email protected]

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive
Because Christmas now requires at least Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!"

"It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package is a picture of Santa himself."

"Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter.

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

There on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
"Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then

11 Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
10 Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.
9 Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing
his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."
8 The "Good Plague" hoax.
7 Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
6 The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
5 Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
4 Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.
3 Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.
2 Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft had existed then...
1 The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.

The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List

14. Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.
13. Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place.
12. Stop payment on Satan's check.
11. Search JobOptions.com: Field = "Technology" Salary > $25 Billion
10. Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer.
9. Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud.
8. Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego."
7. Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O'Connor.
6. Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno's doorstep.
5. Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done."
4. Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.
3. Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw moustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* moustache on picture of Janet Reno.
2. See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug."

And Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bill Gates's To-Do List...
1. Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.


Fact, not a joke:

Did you know that Macintoshs have always been Year 2000 compliant, but PCs made prior to 1996 are not?

US secret agents work at Microsoft: French intelligence

Source: AFP | Published: Saturday February 19, 7:44 AM

PARIS, Feb 18 - A French intelligence report today accused US secret agents of working with computer giant Microsoft to develop software allowing Washington to spy on communications around the world.

The report, drawn up by the Strategic Affairs Delegation (DAS), the intelligence arm of the French Defence Ministry, was quoted in today's edition of the newsletter Le Monde du Renseignement (Intelligence World).

Written by a senior officer at the DAS, the report claims agents from the National Security Agency (NSA) helped install secret programmes on Microsoft software, currently in use in 90 per cent of computers.

According to the report there was a 'strong suspicion' of a lack of security fed by insistent rumours about the existence of spy programs on Microsoft, and by the presence of NSA personnel in Bill Gates' development teams.

The NSA protects communications for the US government, and also intercepts electronic messages for the Defence Department and other US intelligence agencies, the newsletter said.

According to the report, 'it would seem that the creation of Microsoft was largely supported, not least financially, by the NSA, and that IBM was made to accept the (Microsoft) MS-DOS operating system by the same administration.'

The report claimed the Pentagon was Microsoft's biggest client in the world.


/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

From Jim Wagner
The Ballad of Bill Gates - sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies......
Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a man named Bill
Poor programmer all he could do was steal
It happened one day while he was copying someone's code,
In through the door busted Janet Reno!
Attorney General that is, Federal Government, US Justice.

Well the first thing you know is that 'ole Bill's on trail
He claimed he was innocent but he was in denial,
Reno says fair is the way it ought to be
and he gets convicted of being a Monopoly!
Microsoft that is, Anti-Competitive, Harmed Consumers

Ole Bill thought he could fight it, but his stock got tanked,
It wouldn't have helped if he owned all the banks.
Gave money to politicians, thought he could win it on Appeal.
But 'ole Billy was guilty through his own will.
Gates that is, Billy Boy, Guilty as hell!

Well now its time to say goodbye to Bill and all his friends.
Soon all your money will be gone with the wind,
Sorry you all invested in a Bad Company...
but Bill was anti-competitive and he was a Monopoly!
Sit a spell, Take your shoes off, but don't buy back now, not in MSFT...ye hear!

The Kursk Disaster
Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object.

However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.
While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion.
[evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for the first time".
[long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.
\Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.
Captain: Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, right?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works.
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.
[another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo.
Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!
[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.
[another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute....
[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]
Captain: what was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared!
Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue.
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
[another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to 'end task'.
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy Shit! Not the blue screen of dea....
[KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

The tape ends at this point.
During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in morse code. "The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this."

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCEMENT
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle, UK.

If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge.

It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.
Also note:
a.. The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya sh*te'
b.. Dialup Networking is called 'Me mates'
c.. Control Panel is known as 'How te f**k aboot wi the settins'
d.. The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
e.. Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'

Other Features:
a.. OK = it's alreet
b.. cancel = f**k that
c.. yes = aye
d.. no= nee f**kin' chance
e.. find = gan gerit ya f**king sel'
f.. goto = owa there
g.. help = ah cannit dee it
h.. stop = divvent move
i.. start = hadaway and sh*te
j.. settings = settins
k.. programs = stuff that dis stuff
l.. personal folder = me sh*te
Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:
a.. tiperiter = a word processor
b.. cullarin book = a graphics package
c.. addin masheen = calculator
d.. tunes = CD player
e.. p*rn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
f.. pikchas = a graphics viewer
g.. dole money = accounting software
h.. toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
i.. bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale tax
j.. records = usually an empty file Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.



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