Chuck Norris Jokes 5Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.
Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, “I don’t trust doctors.” He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com
Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris’ penis.
Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.
In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.
Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.
Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except China and Japan.
“No Asian chicks.”
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
In the 80’s it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan’s body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan’s tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.
Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens’ stories while he works out.
During the 1970’s he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris’ house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while “It’s a Hard Knock Life” plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say “Thank you, Mr. Norris.” in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
Chuck Norris’ penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his round-house kick.
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn’t know why, but Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a
lighter weight and work his way up.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech suit.
Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.
Chuck Norris is a mammal. Chuck Norris fights ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and roundhouse kick people.