W.C. Fields - "There's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."

Ex-Fireman - "At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well... basically... your house burned even faster."

Popular Mechanics, 1949 - "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 - "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

Jack Handy - ...Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like...

Unknown - With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

Edward Flaherty - You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

"Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897) - If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.

Unknown - Life's like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Unknown - If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

Unknown - Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Unknown - If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you have no conception of the magnitude of the problem.

Unknown - If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you must be at least a foot shorter than them.

Unknown - If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you'll be the tallest person in the room.

Unknown - A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really pisses off the tellers.

Bill Clinton - "...it's about damn time that all of us who actually give a damn about the Internet stand up and tell the people who don't to fuck off and die."