McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
*
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
*
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
*
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
*
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
*
Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
*
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
*
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
*
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
*
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
*
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
*
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
*
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
*
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
*
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
*
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
*
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-- Adlai Stevenson
*
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
-- John Ciardi
*
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
*
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
*
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
*
Justice: A decision in your favor.
*
Kin: An affliction of the blood
*
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
*
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
*
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
*
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
*
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
*
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
*
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
*
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
-- Anatole France
*
BLISS is ignorance
*
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
*
Predestination was doomed from the start.
*
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
-- Carl Zwanzig
*
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
*
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
*
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
*
Love is sentimental measles.
*
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
*
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
*
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
*
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
*
"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
*
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
-- Winston Churchill
*
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
-- Hilaire Belloc
*
Hello Dr. Falken.
Would you like to play Global Thermo-nuclear War?
*
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to
get any programs at all and take what they get.
*
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand.
*
Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on
the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems
programming.
*
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how to
SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
*
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
*
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour
debugging sessions.
*
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.
*
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around a 9 AM,
it's because they were up all night.
*
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC
after the age of 12.
*
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide
whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to
changer clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
middle of the machine room.
*
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the
listings or the object deck.
*
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko
computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
*
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you learn to fake that you have
it made.
*
Never let your child play with a loaded carp.
*
The answer is 42.
-Deep Thought
*
I don't do booze,
it dulls the drugs.
*
LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
*
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
*
Computers are infalllible.
*
The three laws of thermodynamics:

The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
even.
The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
*
Famous last words:
1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
2) "You and what army?"
3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
a cop."
*
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
in kernel as it is in user!
*
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
*
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
*
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
*
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
*
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
*
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
*
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain
*
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
-- Walt Kelly
*
Laetrile is the pits
*
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
*
There's no future in time travel
*
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
*
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
*
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
*
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
*
"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
*
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-- Bruce Leverett
"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
*
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
*
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
*
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
*
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
*
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: January. The lines are the
shortest, though.
*
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
*
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
-- Elbert Hubbard
*
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-- Albert Einstein
*
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
*
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
*
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
*
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
-- Bill Hoest
*
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
*
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
*
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
*
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
*
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
*
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
*
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
*
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
hope I don't get run over again.
*
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
*
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
*
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
*
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
*
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
*
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
*
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
*
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
*
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
*
Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
*
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
*
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
-- Gigo
*
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
*
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker
*
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
-- Mark Twain
*
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger
*
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
--Oscar Wilde
*
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
*
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
*
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
-- Oscar Wilde
*
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
-- Lewis Carroll
*
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
-- Woody Allen.
*
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-- Oscar Wilde
*
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
*
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
*
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-- Lazarus Long
*
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
*
Only God can make random selections.
*
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.

-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
*
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
*
Kinkler's First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
*
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
-- Bertold Brecht
*
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
*
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
*
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
*
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
*
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
*
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
*
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
-- Mark Twain
*
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
*
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
*
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
*
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
*
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
*
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
*
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
*
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
*
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
*
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
*
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
*
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
*
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
*
Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-- Arthur Naiman
*
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy
retail."
-- Arthur Naiman
*
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
-- Paul McCracken
*
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- W. Somerset Maughm
*
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
-- George Saunders' dying words
*
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore's dying words
*
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
*
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
*
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
*
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
*
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
written and another for which it wasn't.
*
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
*
Optimization hinders evolution.
*
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
*
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how _n_o_t to. So it is with the great programmers.
*
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
*
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
*
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
*
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
*
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
*
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
*
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
*
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
*
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
*
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
*
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
*
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
-- Yiddish saying
*
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
*
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
*
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
-- W. C. Fields
*
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
*
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
*
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
change.
*
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
*
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
*
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
*
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
*
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
*
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
*
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
*
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
*
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
*
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
*
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
*
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
*
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
*
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
*
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
*
Don't feed the bats tonight.
*
Stay away from flying saucers today.
*
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
*
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
*
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
*
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
*
Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
*
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
*
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
*
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
*
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
*
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
*
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
*
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
*
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
executive.
*
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
*
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
*
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
*
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
*
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
*
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
to worry.
*
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
*
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
*
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
*
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
*
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
*
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
*
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
*
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
-- Jerome Lettvin
*
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
-- R. Geis
*
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D. J. Hicks
*
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
-- Peter S. Beagle
*
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
*
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
*
Wasting time is an important part of living.
*
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
*
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
*
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
*
Excellent time to become a missing person.
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
*
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
*
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
*
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
*
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
*
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
*
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
*
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
*
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
*
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
*
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
*
Avoid reality at all costs.
*
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
*
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
*
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
*
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
*
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
*
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
*
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him. He's a Commie.
*
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
*
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
*
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
*
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
*
Vote anarchist
*
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
*
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
*
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
*
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
*
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
*
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
*
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
*
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
*
Condense soup, not books!
*
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
*
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Delaware, New Jersy. (Home of Barry Fletcher!)
*
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
*
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
*
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
*
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
*
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
*
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
*
Hire the morally handicapped.
*
I can resist anything but temptation.
*
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
*
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
*
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
*
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
*
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
*
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
*

"All flesh is grass"
-- Isaiah

Smoke a friend today.
*
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
*
George Orwell was an optimist.
*
Chicken Little was right.
*
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
*
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
*
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*
Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
*
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
*
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
*
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
*
Brain fried -- Core dumped
*
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
*
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
*
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
*
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
*
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
*
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
*
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-- Salvor Hardin
*
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
*
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
>from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
*
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
*
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
*
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
*
Down with categorical imperative!
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
*
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
*
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
*
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
*
Lysistrata had a good idea.
*
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
*
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
*
Familiarity breeds attempt
*
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
*
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
*
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
*
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
*
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
*
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
*
God is a polythiest
*
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
*
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
*
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
*
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
*
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
*
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
*
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
*
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
*
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
*
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-- R. Geis
*
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
-- Lewis Carroll
*
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
*
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
*
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line
that I can."
*
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
*
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
*
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
*
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
-- Lily Tomlin
*
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
*
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
*
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
-- Pope John Paul I
*
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
*
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
*
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
-- A. E. Housman
*
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
*
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
*
System/3! System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
*
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
*
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
*
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
*
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
*
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
*
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
*
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
-- Foolish Dictionary
*
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
*
Accuracy: The vice of being right
*
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
*
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
*
Adult: One old enough to know better.
*
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
-- Thomas Jefferson
*
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
-- La Rouchefoucauld
*
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
*
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
*
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
*
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
-- John O'Hara
*
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
*
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
*
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
*
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
*
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
*
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
*
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
*
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
*
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
*
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
*
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
*
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
*
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
*
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
*
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
-- Herbert Prochnow
*
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
*
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
*
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
-- H. L. Mencken
*
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
*
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
-- Clarence Darrow
*
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
-- John McNulty
*
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
*
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-- G. B. Shaw
*
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
*
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
*
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
*
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
*
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
*
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
-- Macy's
*
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
*
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
*
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
*
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!

-- Maxwell Smart
*
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
*
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
*
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
*
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
*
Hindsight is an exact science.
*
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
*
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
*
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
*
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
*
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
*
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.

This person must be fired.
*
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
*
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
*
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
*
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
*
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
>from where you left them to where you can't find them.
*
DeVries' Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
*
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
*
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
*
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
*
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
*
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
*
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
*
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
*
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
*
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.
*
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
*
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
*
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
*
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
*
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
*
Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
*
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
works.
*
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
*
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
*
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
*
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
*
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
*
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
*
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
*
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
*
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded: That the whole point is to always see it as a
soap bubble?
*
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
*
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
*
Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also
easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
improve.
*
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
*
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
*
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
automation?
*
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
*
Be different: conform.
*
Save energy: be apathetic.
*
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-- Kehlog Albran
*
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
*
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
-- Kehlog Albran
*
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
-- Kehlog Albran
*
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
-- Kehlog Albran
*
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-- Dr. Who
*
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"
-- The Brigader, from Dr. Who
*
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
*
They also surf who only stand on waves.
*
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
*
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
*
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
-- Alan Perlis
*
A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
-- Alan Perlis

*
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-- Alan Perlis
*
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
*
"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once
punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
bazingas, and such."
-- N. Meyrowitz
*
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
*
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
-- Aelius Donatus
*
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
*
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-- Voltaire
*
The superfluous is very necessary.
-- Voltaire
*
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
*
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
*
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
*
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
-- A. P. Herbert
*
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
-- Trotsky
*
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
*
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
*
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
*
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
*
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

-- Ogden Nash
*
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-- Jules Feiffer
*
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
*
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
*
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
*
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
*
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher von Braun
*
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
*
"Grub first, then ethics."
-- Bertolt Brecht
*
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan
*
"Pascal is not a high-level language."
-- Steven Feiner
*
E Pluribus Unix
*
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
*
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
*
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
*
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
*
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
*
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
importance.
*
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
*
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
*
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
*
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
*
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
*
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
*
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
*
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
*
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
*
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
*
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
*
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
-- Andrew Young
*
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
*
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
-- J. Paul Getty
*
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Milton Friedman
*
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
*
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
*
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
-- Pogo
*
Nothing recedes like success.
-- Walter Winchell
*
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov
*
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
*
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
-- Russell Long
*
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller
*
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
-- Snoopy
*
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
-- Earl Wilson
*
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
*
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
*
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
*
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer
*
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
-- Richard Nixon
*
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
*
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
*
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
*
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
*
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
*
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
*
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
*
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
-- Art Linkletter
*
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-- Frank Zappa
*
Justice is incidental to law and order.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
*
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
*
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
*
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
*
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
-- Alexander Haig
*
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
*
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
-- Woody Allen
*
"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
-- Jeff Berner
*
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
*
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
*
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire
*
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
*
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
*
SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
*
POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
-- Martin Pitt
*
CALIFORNIA: From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
*
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
*
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
*
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
*
Bumper sticker:

"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
*
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat

-- Lewis Carrol
*
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
*
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
*
Virtue is its own punishment.
*
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
*
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
*
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
*
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
*
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
*
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
*
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
*
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
*
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
*
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
*
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
*
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
*
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
*
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
*
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
*
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
*
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
*
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
*
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
*
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
*
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
*
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
*
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
*
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
*
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
*
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
*
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
*
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
*
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
*
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
*
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
*
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
*
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
*
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
*
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
*
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
*
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
*
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
the real reason.
*
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
*
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
*
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
*
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
*
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
*
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
*
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
-- A. Einstein
*
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
*
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
-- Oscar Wilde
*
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
*
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
*
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
-- Winston Churchill
*
Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
it!"
*
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
-- Samuel Johnson
*
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
-- Oscar Wilde
*
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
*
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

-- Wolfgang Pauli
*
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
*
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
*
Langsam's Laws:
1) Everything depends.
2) Nothing is always.
3) Everything is sometimes.
*
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
*
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
*
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
*
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.
*
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
*
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
*
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
*
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
*
Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
*
Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
*
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
physician.
*
Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
*
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
*
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
*
Trivia pursuit -
The culmination of man's
never ending search for a
lack of purpose.
- B.C. -
*
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
*
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds;

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.
*
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
*
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
*
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
*
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
*
Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
>from the true accounts which it invents later.
*
...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
*
Once, adv.: Enough.
*
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
*
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
*
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
*
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
*
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
*
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew W. Mathis
*
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
*
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
*
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
*
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
*
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Altito
*
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
*
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
*
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
*
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............
*
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
*
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
*
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means."
-- Walt Kelly
*
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
*
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
*
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
*
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
*
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
*
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
*
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
*
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
*
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
*
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
*
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
*
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
*
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
*
God is Dead
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
-- God
Nietzsche is God
-- Dead
*
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
*
Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
*
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle science fiction.
*
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
*
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
*
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
*
Necessity is a mother.
*
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
*
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
*
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
*
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
*
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
*
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
*
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
*
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
*
If anything can go wrong, it will.
*
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
*
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
*
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
*
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
*
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Ears.
*
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
*
You're at the end of the road again.
*
If anything can go wrong, it will.
*
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.

However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
judging things by their price.
*
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
*
I'll grant the random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
*
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
*
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
*
This fortune intentionally not included.
*
flibber-ti-gibbet
One who is inclined to look up words like flibbertigibbert -B.C.-
*
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.

-- Stanislaw Lem
*
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
-- the Peter Principle
*
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
it.
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
*
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
*
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelley
*
Look out! Behind you!
*
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
*
Desk: A wastebasket with drawers.
*
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
*
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
*
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
*
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
*
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
Every solution breeds new problems.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
*
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
"Murphy was an optimist."
*
Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
*
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
*
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
*
Scott's first Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
*
Finagle's first Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
*
Finagle's second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
*
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
*
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
*
Science is convinced there's no intelligent
life in our solar system.
S. F. Chronicle
*
Issawi's Laws of Progress:

The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.

The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
*
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
*
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
*
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
*
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
*
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
*
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crud.
*
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
*
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
*
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
*
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
*
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.
*
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
*
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
*
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
*
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
*
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
*
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
*
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
*
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
*
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
*
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
*
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
*
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
*
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
*
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
*
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
*
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
*
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
*
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
*
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
*
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
*
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
Jones' Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
*
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom.
*
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
*
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
*
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
*
This universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on
government contract.
*
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
*
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
*
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
*
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
*
Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
*
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
*
Miksch's Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
*
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
*
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
*
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S Truman
*
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
*
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
*
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
*
Swipple's Rule of Order:
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
*
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
*
Gray's Law of Programming:
'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as 'n' trivial tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
*
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
*
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
*
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
civilization.
*
Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
save.
*
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
*
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
*
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
*
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
*
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
a better looking and richer male friend.
*
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
*
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
rats.
*
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
*
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
*
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
*
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
*
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
*
The Kennedy Constant:
Don't get mad -- get even.
*
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
*
Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
*
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
*
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
*
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
*
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
*
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
*
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
*
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
*
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
*
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
-- Mark Twain
*
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
*
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
*
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
-- Mark Twain
*
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
*
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved"
-- Mark Twain
*
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain
*
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
didn't know.
-- Mark Twain
*
"...all the modern inconveniences..."
-- Mark Twain
*
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
*
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
-- William Gilbert
*
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can never hope to acquire it.
*
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
*
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
*
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one? God Forbiddie!

-- Ogden Nash
*
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.

-- A. E. Housman
*
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister

-- Su Tung-p'o
*
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
-- H. Allen Smith
*
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
-- Ralph Emerson
*
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
*
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
*
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
*
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
*
The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a
great lie than to a small one.
-Adolph Hitler
*
Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up a
statue in honor of a critic.
-Jean Sibelius
*
Every crowd has a silver lining.
-Phineas Taylor Barnum
*
A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't
any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
-James Gould Cozzens
*
The devil was the first democrat.
-Lord Byron
*
I don't call them Democrats and Republicans. There are only Liberals
and Americans.
-James Watt
*
Vegetarianism is harmless enough, although it is apt to fill a man with
wind and self-righteousness.
-Sir Robert Hutchison
*
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and
they never believe me.
-Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour
*
Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth.
-Arthur J. Goldberg
*
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
-George Jean Nathan
*
It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their
experiments on journalists and politicians.
-Henrik Ibsen
*
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
*
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that
you would lie if you were in his place.
-Henry Louis Mencken
*
It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie.
*
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-Sir Winston Churchill
*
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.
-William James
*
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
-Will Rogers
*
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
*
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
*
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
*
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
equipment ruined.
*
Boren's Laws:
1) When in charge, ponder.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in doubt, mumble.
*
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
*
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
*
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
*
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
*
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
-- Frederick Winsor
*
Vail's Second Axiom:
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.
*
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
*
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
*
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

-- Arlo Guthrie
*
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
-- G. B. Shaw
*
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
-- Howard Kandel
*
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
*
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
-- Dolph Sharp
*
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
*
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
-- Henrick Ibson
*
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
*
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
-- Lazarus Long
*
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for ours.
*
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
*
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
-- Major Major's father
*
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
-- A. E. Newman
*
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
*
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
*
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
-- H. L. Mencken
*
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
*
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
-- G. B. Shaw
*
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
-- Ogden Nash
*
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
*
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
*
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
*
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-- Dolph Sharp
*
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle class homes
3) All but two of them were dead.
*
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
-- Ogden Nash
*
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying then without money?

-- Ogden Nash
*
Confucius say too much.
-- Recent Chinese Proverb
*
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
Fats Loves Madelyn
*
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
-- W. C. Fields
*
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
-- W. C. Fields
*
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
*
Who's on first?
*
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
-- Mark Twain
*
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
*
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
*
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
*
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
*
COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker
*
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
*
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
*
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
*
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
*
He who Laughs, Lasts.
*
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
*
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
*
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
*
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-- Mae West
*
Famous last words:
*
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
*
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
*
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
*
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
*
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
*
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
*
Alone: In bad company.
*
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a
left.
*
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
*
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.
*
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
*
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
*
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
*
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
*
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
*
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
>from the cares of office.
*
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
*
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- Ambrose Bierce
*
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
*
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
*
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers"
William Shakespeare
*
"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
Andy Rooney
*
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
Scott Watson