17. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

16. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

15. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.

14. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

13. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

12. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.

11. Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas."

10. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

9. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.

8. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

7. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

6. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

5. You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.

4. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

3. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

2. Didn't make today's Top Five List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

1. No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.